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Sagittarius
- Nov. 21-Dec. 20
You will have to quit one of your 3 jobs in order to spend time
with your inner child. Please take care to raise him better than
your own folks did, so McDonald’s happy meals are out. Better to
eat healthy and OD on Ritalin. You will know you have healed when
you quit wetting the bed. Now you can donate those plastic sheets
to Goodwill and write it off on your taxes!
Capricorn - Dec. 21-Jan. 19
You munched all your bosses Christmas cookies. You are very, very,
bad. Always finish what you start. Your boss has not forgotten,
and in order to gain their good graces, share your New Year’s cookies
and make sure they are frosted.
Aquarius - Jan. 20-Feb. 18
You feel a desire to break out into song and dance and celebrate
life to it’s fullest. However, I would advise you to stay home and
suck your big toe while watching Judge Judy. Sagittarius wants that
5 bucks you borrowed.
Pisces - Feb. 19-March 18
How many times do you have to give the one finger salute to sprain
your wrist? Give it a rest already, before your kids starting saluting
their principal at school! Your stars are in a dangerous alignment,
and you will most likely fall and break your leg in a post-holiday
clearance stampede at Kmart.
Aries - March 19-April 18
You bastard! Everybody knows what you have been up to. You will
never, never regain your reputation in this town. Move to Pocatello
and join the local drag show. Gay cowboys will welcome you warmly.
Don’t come back until you have mastered the art of midwestern interior
design.
Taurus - April 19-May 19
Give lots of compliments this month. End all your compliments with
"..For me to POOP on!" As in, "That’s a great jacket…for
me to POOP on!" If any body reacts with displeasure, they are
tiny ants that deserve to die. Squint one eye closed and hold your
thumb and forefinger close to the other so you can only see their
head between your fingers. Say, "I am crushing your head!"
over and over as you pinch your fingers together.
Gemini - May 20-June 19
You may wander off the main road and spend several days in a happy
delirium as you walk in the woods and commune with the woodland
creatures. It will all end suddenly when the farmer calls the police
to report that there is a strange person petting his chickens.
Cancer - June 20-July 21
An unexpected call from an old friend will cause you to take a midnight
journey, possibly to bail them out of jail for solicitation. You
will have strange dreams this month, as cosmic waves are crossing
your dreams with Martha Stewarts.
Leo - July 22- Aug. 21
You are out of sync with the moon, and Jupiter’s influence is causing
dyslexia, kleptomania, and possibly necrophilia. The waxing of the
moon will probably find you stealing stationary to write love-notes…"My
Daer Sweet Darling Cropse, how I lvoe thy pale waxen sikn, rigor
mortis makes you enev more beautiful to me…"
Virgo - Aug. 22-Sept. 21
This month you glow with a sensual pleasure. It attracts all kinds
of energy in your direction. You will probably get flashed often
this month, and your boss will invite you over for swinger’s night.
You get to do it with the boss’s plumber, who shaves once a week
and smells like Drano and onions. Love looms in both your futures.
Oh you sexy thing!
Libra - Sep. 22-Oct. 21
Psychic abilities become stronger. Now you can control weaker people’s
thoughts by sending psychic messages. Use your powers for good not
evil. Quit making the big dumb sexy guy at the gym work out in his
thong. He’s gay by the way. If you meditated a little more, you
might be able to discern such things. Taurus will borrow your clothes
and chew all your gum.
Scorpio - Oct. 22-Nov. 20
The sun in Capricorn is in direct opposition to Scorpio’s bowels.
You will find you are intolerant to many foods this month. Stock
up on bean-o and Glade Plug-ins. No, no, don’t plug them into the
wall! They’re for your - um, well…never mind. Don’t light cigarettes
in enclosed areas.
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