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FC on Love and Molotovs
By Pud

Dammit,

It's been a long time, like three months, since I've written a Sporadic. I'm sure you didn't miss me... but I've been busy! There are now over 73,000 subscribers to this stupid newsletter... goddam. But I got off my lazy ass and launched a bunch of stuff: HTTP Ads, AmazonScan.com, and finally finished my book!! I've even got stupid FC gift baskets for sale. Check it all out. And... HAPPY HOLDIAYS!

But let's get right to the matter at hand.

If you're ever in New York City, please visit the following two bars, and when there's nobody inside, THROW A FUCKING MOLITOV COCKTAIL THROUGH THEIR FUCKING WINDOWS. Take pictures and I'll send you a free FC coffee mug or something. Targets: Halo and Lotus.

So TWICE in the past week this really hot girl who I totally dig told me to meet her and her friends out at night. Each night I had band practice, and then I headed straight to the aforementioned bars to meet her right after.

The first one, last Thursday, was Lotus. Whatever, I don't normally go to those kinds of places (okay fine, i don't normally leave my apartment. or wear pants) but ya know...? She was in there and invited me. So I get there and go up to the stupid velvet rope and automatically the bouncer is like, "Uhh, yeah, you're not getting in."

"Come on man, this girl who I really like is inside with her friends and she told me to meet her here. Please? You can understand, right? And she told me this place was great." (that was me attempting to male-bond while simultaneously kissing ass)

I'm dressed okay, wearing this really expensive black turtleneck sweater and three-querter-length overcoat and nice pants. I even had my fucking shoes shined earlier that day.

"You're not getting in."

So being totally desperate, I try to slip the guy $100. ONE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS TO GET INTO SOME SHITTY-ASS BAR just so I can meet up with this girl.

"I don't need your money," said the bouncer.

What the FUCK??? DUDE, you're AT WORK. You're NOT SITTING ON THE FUCKING BEACH SIPPING A PINA COLADA. You don't do it for the love. Be entrepreneurial and take my money. TAKE MY MONEY AND LET ME IN!

but i didn't say that. It's not my place to give this man career advice.

So what do I do now? I'm too ashamed to tell the girl what happened, so I make up some story about "why I wasn't able to make it out tonight."

She's cool with it and is like, "well okay lets get together next week then." She rocks.

So next week (today). She's out with her friends at this place called Halo. I walk up after band practice, this time dressed a little more rock-n-roll, but still kinda clean and nice. I'm trying to be fashionable, to fit in.

Uh oh, velvet rope, bouncers. shit. I walk confidently up to the bouncer. I'm the only person standing there.

"Uhh, hi. I'd like to come in."

"Are you on the guest list?" he replied. Okay, I know he's bullshitting me now -- I know there's no guest list. fuck fuck fuck fuck

"Yes I am," I said, figuring I'm already fucked, might as well throw him for a loop.

"Well you're not getting in because you're a single guy."

"Ahh, but I'm meeting a bunch of girls inside."

"Nope," he still wasn't letting me in.

"If I were with a girl would you let me in?" I asked.

"Sure," he said.

So here's where the programmer in me recognizes the logic and develops a solution: Call my girl on her cell phone and have her come out and escort me in! I'd have to swallow my pride and tell her that I'm a dork who doesn't get into places like this, but whatever, I'm fed up.

"Well great," I politely said to the fuckwad bouncer. "I'll just call a girl who's already inside, and then I'll be with a girl and you'll let me in."

"It doesn't work that way, you're still not getting in," he said.

"But you just said if I were with a girl, I'd get in! And I'm about to be with a girl!"

"Look, I'm not going over semantics with you," he said.

Semantics? Aren't they the company that makes Norton Utilities and Norton Anti-Virus?

So I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm a perpetual loser. I call her on her cell phone and tell her that the're not letting me in. She went up to the bouncer and essentially pointed at me and said, "he's with me." She's totally hot so I figure I'm in, right?

wrong. still not getting in.

So then she called the bouncer an asshole and stormed out of the bar. On her way out she accidentally tripped over the velvet rope, causing the whole structure to fall down. She played it off like she was purposely trying to be destructive.

god i love her

rock on, pud

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