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Session One: Osama bin Laden
Secret transcript sheds light on vengeful terrorist
by Kent Lewis

Note: the following transcript is taken from a meeting between Osama bin Laden and his psychiatrist, and was secretly acquired by Anvil last week. No effort has been made to change the names of the guilty. 

Dr. Srinkar: Welcome Mr. bin Laden.

bin Laden: It’s good to be here, or at least out of the cave.

Dr. Srinkar: I’ve been looking through your file and I understand you’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. Your family doctor’s initial diagnosis looks to be insomnia, likely caused by stress. Can you confirm this?

bin Laden: Indeed I have been sleeping fitfully and may be under some stress as of late.

Dr. Srinkar: And how long has it been since you were able to sleep through the night?

bin Laden: Late October, I believe.

Dr. Srinkar: What do you think is the reason for this?

bin Laden: I can’t be certain, which is why I have risked leaving my hideout to talk with you.

Dr. Srinkar: Fair enough. Let’s see, I’ve been keeping up with the news, and I believe late October is about the time you fled to your cave complex, correct?

bin Laden: Yes, I believe so.

Dr. Srinkar: Tell me about cave living.

bin Laden: Easy enough. Combine 85 men, 17 goats, no electricity, no soap or running water with 1 Honey Bucket and you get the idea.

Dr. Srinkar: That does paint quite a picture. Do you believe this is the cause of your insomnia?

bin Laden: I doubt it. I’ve lived essentially the same way, sans Honey Bucket, for 15 years.

Dr. Srinkar: Okay. Then tell me about your childhood. What was it like being the 7^th son out of 50 children?

bin Laden: Difficult. For starters, there were no leftovers in our family. Muhammad and Ishmael always took two helpings. Falil, the eldest son, always got the cool new clothes that were guaranteed to be out of style by the time I got around to wearing them. Regardless, I believe learning to share with others and making do with very little made me strong.

Dr. Srinkar: It says here in your file that your father died when you were 13. Tell me about him and how you felt when he died.

bin Laden: Mohammed Awad was a brilliant man. He was born into poverty and was able to build the largest construction company in the kingdom with his own hands. I used to enjoy our conversations around the hookah pipe as a child. When he died, I was initially very bitter. I wanted to blame everyone, from the Saudis to the Israelis to the Mormons. Over time, I realized that no one was to blame; venereal diseases are quite common in the Yaks of South Yemen.

Dr. Srinkar: How is your relationship with your mother?

bin Laden: It’s reasonably healthy. I’m not able to see her much, as she is always behind her veil. We do meet for coffee at the Jeddah Starbucks once a month, however. She recently joined a book-burning club, which keeps her busy.

Dr. Srinkar: It doesn’t seem that your relationship with your parents is causing you stress. Perhaps it’s your marriage. How is your wife?

bin Laden: My sister is doing quite well, thank you. She’s a CPA and does the books for the Al-Qa'edah network. She’s been through four audits without a penalty.

Dr. Srinkar: I sense that I’m missing something here. Let’s talk about your anti-American terrorist activity. Perhaps that is the root of the problem. What motivated you to attack the World Trade Centers and Pentagon in early September?

bin Laden: Revenge.

Dr. Srinkar: For what?

bin Laden: It’s a complicated story. When I was in getting my degree in public administration at King Abdul-Aziz University, I met an American named Frank Davis. He was in my Women of Islam class. We became somewhat close over the years, but grew apart after graduation. Five years later, out of the blue, I get a call from Frank, and he wants to meet. We get together at Burger Kingdom to catch up. Forty minutes into the conversation, the truth comes out. It changed my life forever.

Dr. Srinkar: What happened?

bin Laden: He tried to sell me Amway products! Pyramid schemes are an affront to Islam, so I became immediately enraged and extracted a fatwah on him. I vowed to rid the world of Amway and anyone who supports them. In this case, Amway has an office in World Trade and the U.S. military is a major buyer of Glister Gum, Amway’s answer to Trident.

Dr. Srinkar: Doesn’t that seem a little extreme? It’s just non-branded products at branded prices.

bin Laden: You forget whom you’re talking to. I am an extremist, you know.

Dr. Srinkar: Of course. My apologies. So you may have explained your motivation behind the attacks, but I’m not sure where the stress is coming from that is causing your insomnia. Let me try another approach. Do you snore?

bin Laden: I don’t think so, but my wife swears on Allah that I do.

Dr. Srinkar: You may have a deviated septum, which can cause snoring. Snoring can also lead to insomnia if it is chronic enough. The arid caves could also be a contributing factor. My guess is that your snoring is the problem.

bin Laden: What can I do about it?

Dr. Srinkar: You could turn yourself over to the Americans, they have excellent medical facilities and would be more than willing to help. I’m kidding, of course. You really have two options: get a humidifier, or get Breath-Rite nose strips. Either should reduce or eliminate snoring, which should allow you to sleep. Since you don’t have electricity in the cave, I recommend the Breath-Rite strips.

bin Laden: Excellent. Where can I pick them up?

Dr. Srinkar: Uh…actually, the original manufacturer went bankrupt and the remaining assets were purchased by Amway about 8 months ago. They are the exclusive vendor.

bin Laden: Jihad!