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IT Will Clean Up in the Market
by Colby Phillips

Steve Jobs says it will change the way cities are designed. Venture capitalist John Doerr has invested millions in it. Amazon’s Jeff Bezos said he was mesmerized by it. "IT," also code-named "Ginger" is supposed to be a device that will change the world, be bigger than the World Wide Web. George Foreman must be on the road saving lives with his fat reducing cookware, because I haven’t seen his quote yet, but surely he is involved in this ground-breaking project. That technology and financial luminaries are involved in the project is obvious, but for something to be this big, there must be other "silent partners" who are lending their expertise and wisdom.

Some others who are probably generously contributing to the effort include:

Michael Jackson - for his skin care research that may be needed related to IT
Darva Conger - to make sure IT is morally sound
Jeff Probst - to host a year-long infomercial to help the masses understand IT
Alex Rodriguez - he’ll be responsible for setting the price of IT
And Bill Gates - because he’s Bill Gates

As for what IT is, there are a few well-formed guesses based on the truly perplexing problems that remain in society today. With online shopping, wireless communications, mega-sized SUVs, and genetically altered corn taco shells, there are not many things that modern man needs or wants. But there is one invention that would be truly be considered life-changing:

A high-tech toilet paper that eliminates dingle berries.

Think about it. Personal hygiene products haven’t changed much since ancient man began using various materials to wipe his ass. And once it was discovered that some form of paper would work nominally well, all innovation and progress pretty much ceased. What we’re left with is modern toilet paper, a solution that really only does about an 80% job most of the time. Skid marks, crusty butt, and a stink that crops up under the covers sometimes when being intimate is what we’re left with.

But how will it work? Maybe this new toilet paper uses Velcro-like microfibers that attach themselves to the dingle berries and gently pull them away as the paper passes through the anal-rectal area. Or maybe some kind of super-heated gel is activated in between the individual sheets of paper that neutralizes the dingle berries on contact, leaving you with a warm, sterile feeling around your ass.

There will be challenges in bringing this fantastic new product to market. I’m sure the new paper will be fairly high-priced when it first hits the market, as the supply will be limited until enough clean rooms can be built to handle the production of this high-tech paper. Hopefully it won’t be too long before the middle and lower classes of society can benefit from this great new invention - its not the rich and famous alone that struggle with dingle berry management in their daily lives. With leaders like Jeff Bezos and John Doerr at the helm though, men who have vast experience at depositing huge sums of money into the crapper, the execution of the business plan should be flawless.

Yes, I can see it now -- for the first few holiday seasons after the new paper is released - families gift wrapping the paper and giving it to each other for Christmas, followed by huge holiday meals where everyone stuff themselves beyond belief then immediately ingest large quantities of laxatives so that they can be the first to try out their new present. Solving the last greatest hygiene problem and bringing families together. Isn’t that what high-tech innovation is all about in the 21st century?