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Sagittarius
- Nov. 21-Dec. 20
You will have a yearning to travel to a galaxy far, far away. This
entails eating massive amounts of poptarts and watching back to
back Star Wars sequels. Go ahead and dress up like Princess Leia
and pin danish rolls to your head. Be smart-alecky to that sexy
and roguish tri-met bus driver, he will knows what you really mean
when you call him "lazer-brain". Then you can run around
in the back yard wearing your old karate uniform and say insightful
things like: "Uncle Owen, this R-2 unit has a bad motivator!
Look!" Point to your old dishwasher and make a face. You are
SO cool.
Capricorn
- Dec. 21-Jan. 19
Your tendency to take on too many tasks at once will overwhelm you
this month, and cause a major breakdown. You may lose your worldly
possessions and soon find yourself living out of your Chevy Impala.
Embrace this as an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.
Lack of sleep and poor nutrition will bring you to a state similar
to that of transcendental meditation. Then you can have lively conversations
with people nobody else can see as you push your shopping cart around
Pioneer Courthouse Square. Pisces will throw fruit at you.
Aquarius
- Jan. 20-Feb. 18
See Aries message for insight. Pisces will call you in the middle
of the night. Taurus will wander naked through your kitchen, eat
all your cereal and accidentally delete your e-mail account. Retaliate
by posting a resume on Monster for Taurus as an exotic dancer, minimum
salary requirement $1.00 per hour. Plan a trip to Vegas and make
sure to buy your tickets on Taurus’s credit card.
Pisces
- Feb. 19-March 18
This month finds you wallowing in melancholy feelings. Go with it.
The rest of us will have lots of fun while you sink into a really
fabulous depression and do lots of heavy sighing as you listen to
depressing music, and watch depressing movies, and cry about all
your ex’s. When you are done you will find out that somebody has
borrowed all your shoes and eaten all your condiments. No more mayo,
no more mustard and pickles. Ah, it’s enough to make one sink into
another fabulous depression……
Aries - March 19-April 18
Basically, you are stupid, but since you think you are superior,
you still are stupid. Any advice that you give will be mocked relentlessly,
and your family (especially offspring) has absolutely no respect
for what you have to say. You are stooopid. If you feel the need
to give anybody advice, go stand in front of a tree and give it
advice. Then when you talk to family, just smile and nod. Smile
and nod. If you think of more "good advice", save it for
the tree. Remember, you are stupid!
Taurus - April 19-May 19
How others perceive you is based entirely on your outer appearances.
You can be a total bastard, but as long as you make good use of
glitter and trendy hair styling products, all will regard you will
complete and utter adoration. Abuse it by asking people to do ridiculous
favors such as moving your car a level higher in the parking garage
and sending you e-mail reminders to brush your teeth.
Gemini
- May 20-June 19
Your dueling personalities really have it out this month. You will
beat the crap out of yourself a la Fight Club in the parking lot
at Denny’s. Wealthy and well-known Gemini’s will then later hire
a lawyer and sue themselves for every penny they’ve got. Lower and
middle income Gemini’s will sue for medical bills on Judge Judy.
The court bailiff will turn out to be a long-lost relative. They
are really embarrassed to be associated with you.
Cancer
- June 20-July 21
You go on an unexpected shopping spree at the As Seen On TV Shop.
Contain your emotions if the clapper happens to be out of stock
and the leather patch kits are sold out. You can still buy the Spray
on Hair. Get some for your mom, too. After all, she provided you
with a good life after doing the "Help, I’ve Fallen and I Can’t
Get Up!" commercial. Those residuals paid for your Sally Struthers
Home TV Repair Course. Still got that degree hanging up in your
van, right?
Leo
- July 22- Aug. 21
You are a bright, shining star and all eyes are upon you this month.
Since everybody is watching anyways, do something to amuse the masses.
Everybody wants a good show. Wear lime green hotpants and fishnet
stockings to work. Go to karaoke on Thursday night with your date,
a 70-year retired dry-cleaner. Slow dance with him and make sure
everybody sees you grabbing his butt.
Virgo
- Aug. 22-Sept. 21
This month you will not be able to keep your hands off yourself.
You find yourself so hot, so sexy, you will be meeting yourself
in the bathroom for a nooner. You’ll install a curtain on your cubicle
so you have some privacy for that sensual self-massage. Don’t take
the lusty advances of yourself too seriously. It’s just a fling,
and next week you won’t return your own phone calls.
Libra
- Sep. 22-Oct. 21
As a representative of Venus, your personal terrain is the land
of love. If you currently are not working as a marriage counselor
or therapist, then you need to quit your job right now and start
doing your life’s work. Marriage counseling is not as hard as it
looks. All you need to do is hand out marital aid tapes (soft porn)
and check in every week to see if they (a) watch the movies, and
(b) have sex. Good sex cures all, money problems, even annoying
in-laws. It’s really amazing what people will put up with to keep
some good booty. The best part is you get to charge $60 an hour
to say "how’s the sex, Robert and Angela?….Great….I
have another tape I want you to watch together…"
Scorpio - Oct. 22-Nov. 20
Your strongest character trait is the necessity to dive right in
and get to the bottom of things. This is going to lead you to dig
through all of your spouses personal belongings, but the most you
will learn this month is that the funny smell coming from under
the bed was because there was a Happy Meal there since 1995. Luckily,
the toy that comes with it is still in it’s original packaging and
is now worth six dollars.
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