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Love's Lost and Found

by Greg Coyle


I saw you at the Mr. Whiskers Greater Albany Dog Show & Buffet. You had a pair of jumbo poodles. I had the overactive schnauzer. Let’s try their style. Woof, woof. 3381 (3/5)

1/21 I saw you at the ICU. You had been grossly disfigured by a runaway backhoe. I had been burned beyond recognition in an adult bookstore fire. I’ll tie your shoes, if you apply my ointments. 4221 (3/6)

1/16 Your case was after mine. You were wearing a shirt that said, "I can’t spell fuck without ‘U’"? The judge said you were a disgrace and gave you 1,000 hours of community service. I was the blonde. Your shirt spoke to me. 5741 (3/5)

1/18 Were you at the Hickory Farms at the mall last week? I’m the one that playfully spanked you with the summer sausage. You said you were going to call security. But you didn’t. I liked you too. Care to share your spicy mustard? 8865 (3/4)

Did a guy puke on you at Ozzfest? Guilty. Sorry about that. (Who knew mozzarella sticks and jug wine don’t mix?) Let me make it up to you. If I remember, you were pretty hot. My ankle locator lets me go most places. 2211 (3/7)

1/12 You came to fix my disposal. I was doing my tai bo tape buck-naked. You were sweet and watched my reflection in the mirror. I’ve got some other plumbing that needs attention. My roto needs rooting  3429 (3/5)

1/19 Bus #86. You: Wearing three coats at the same time and singing Happy Birthday to a head of lettuce. Me: Reciting from the Book of the Lord and telling everyone they’re devils. Care to meet for a latté? 3434 (3/5)

1/14 I see you at store of Kitchen Kaboodle. You are to be bying garlic press. I am for to by lemon zester. I want cook you lentil soop and moussaka. Then I like make the sex with you, yes? 1008 (3/5)

1/12 The corner of 5th and Hamilton. You: Lost in thought, carrying jar of peanut butter. Me: Not paying attention and eating a chocolate bar. Sorry about the collision. Dessert? 2768 (3/7)

1/10 Highland Art Museum donors’ mixer. I said I thought the chiaroscuro of Caravaggio unmatched. You said the sublimity of Holbein the Younger made you weep. You also said something about S&M. Me been bad boy. 7717 (3/6)


1/16 We met at the ATM on Hooper St., in front of the Radio Shack. I grabbed your breasts and you kicked me in the nuggets. Let’s start over? 1876 (3/5)

1/15 Chaco Man’s kegger. I was all shrooming and you were like all wasted on cough syrup. We like did the nasty in the coatroom and everything. Let’s party again! Class of ’02 rocks! 3612 (3/6)

I saw you every day in English 351 at PSU. You sat in the back row and fancied tank tops. I never had the courage to talk to you outside class. I gave you a "C" on your final, but would be happy to lend you my Longfellow. 1099 (3/6)

1/20 You won the tight jeans contest at the Keg Castle last week. I did all the Bon Jovi songs for karaoke. I’ve been shot through the heart, and you're to blame. You give asses a good name. 5230 (3/5)

I saw you at Aunt J----’s funeral. You were wearing a lacy black number that nearly killed me, too. I was smoking the pipe. I’m back on my meds and am ready to start seeing people again. Interested? 6906 (3/6)

1/14 You were looking for a copy of Tess of the D’Urbervilles at the Book Hutch. I laughed at you and told you to speaky English. Remember me? Let moi try again, oui? 7564 (3/4)

I saw you at the Star Trek convention at the Creekway Ramada. I asked you "qaStaH nuq?" and you said "naDevvo’ yIghoS." I wanted to beam you up right then! What say we get our Klingon?  8009 (3/6)

1/15 The Donuteria. You: cinnamon twist. Me: two maple bars, one jelly filled, one apple fritter, two old-fashioneds, and one glazed. Like donuts, I’m warm, sweet and go down easily. 5222 (3/8)

1/20 Red’s Taxidermy. You: getting your old parrot Max adhered to a branch. Me: stuffing my basset hound, Captain Bubba. Call -- I’d love to mount your mackerel sometime. 7714 (3/5)


Greg Coyle is a freelance copywriter, author and part-time showgirl living in Portland.