I saw you at the Mr. Whiskers Greater Albany Dog Show &
Buffet. You had a pair of jumbo poodles. I had the overactive
schnauzer. Lets try their style. Woof, woof.
I saw you at the ICU. You had been grossly disfigured by a
runaway backhoe. I had been burned beyond recognition in an
adult bookstore fire. Ill tie your shoes, if you apply
Your case was after mine. You were wearing a shirt that said,
"I cant spell fuck without U"?
The judge said you were a disgrace and gave you 1,000 hours
of community service. I was the blonde. Your shirt spoke to
YOU LIKE MEAT?
1/18 Were you at the Hickory Farms at the mall last week?
Im the one that playfully spanked you with the summer
sausage. You said you were going to call security. But you
didnt. I liked you too. Care to share your spicy mustard?
a guy puke on you at Ozzfest? Guilty. Sorry about that. (Who
knew mozzarella sticks and jug wine dont mix?) Let me
make it up to you. If I remember, you were pretty hot. My
ankle locator lets me go most places.
You came to fix my disposal. I was doing my tai bo tape buck-naked.
You were sweet and watched my reflection in the mirror. Ive
got some other plumbing that needs attention. My roto needs
Bus #86. You: Wearing three coats at the same time and singing
Happy Birthday to a head of lettuce. Me: Reciting from the
Book of the Lord and telling everyone theyre devils.
Care to meet for a latté?
I see you at store of Kitchen Kaboodle. You are to be bying
garlic press. I am for to by lemon zester. I want cook you
lentil soop and moussaka. Then I like make the sex with you,
The corner of 5th and Hamilton. You: Lost in thought,
carrying jar of peanut butter. Me: Not paying attention and
eating a chocolate bar. Sorry about the collision. Dessert?
FELL IN LOUVRE
Highland Art Museum donors mixer. I said I thought the
chiaroscuro of Caravaggio unmatched. You said the sublimity
of Holbein the Younger made you weep. You also said something
about S&M. Me been bad boy.
We met at the ATM on Hooper St., in front of the Radio Shack.
I grabbed your breasts and you kicked me in the nuggets. Lets
Chaco Mans kegger. I was all shrooming and you were
like all wasted on cough syrup. We like did the nasty in the
coatroom and everything. Lets party again! Class of
saw you every day in English 351 at PSU. You sat in the back
row and fancied tank tops. I never had the courage to talk
to you outside class. I gave you a "C" on your final,
but would be happy to lend you my Longfellow.
1/20 You won the tight jeans contest at the Keg Castle
last week. I did all the Bon Jovi songs for karaoke. Ive
been shot through the heart, and you're to blame. You give
asses a good name.
saw you at Aunt J----s funeral. You were wearing a lacy
black number that nearly killed me, too. I was smoking the
pipe. Im back on my meds and am ready to start seeing
people again. Interested?
You were looking for a copy of Tess of the DUrbervilles
at the Book Hutch. I laughed at you and told you to speaky
English. Remember me? Let moi try again, oui?
saw you at the Star Trek convention at the Creekway Ramada.
I asked you "qaStaH nuq?" and you said "naDevvo
yIghoS." I wanted to beam you up right then! What say
we get our Klingon?
The Donuteria. You: cinnamon twist. Me: two maple bars, one
jelly filled, one apple fritter, two old-fashioneds, and one
glazed. Like donuts, Im warm, sweet and go down easily.
Reds Taxidermy. You: getting your old parrot Max adhered
to a branch. Me: stuffing my basset hound, Captain Bubba.
Call -- Id love to mount your mackerel sometime.