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Crank Calls to Darwin or a Modern Addendum to "On the Origin of Species"
When nature calls, hang up
by Greg Coyle

Charles Darwin brought us the theory of evolution and forever changed the way people looked at having sex with their pets. In his landmark work, "On the Origin of Species," he set down for the first time the laws of natural selection. Science and the world were rocked. He explained the unusual similarities between birds thousands of miles from each other. He described why the giraffe has a long neck and, by extension, why New Jersey teamsters have no neck. And he turned upside-down the church’s contention about some God explanation for evolution.

But, since his death in 1882, we’ve heard precious little from Mr. Darwin. So, in the interest of science, I decided to call every Charles Darwin currently living in the continental U.S. to see how this whole evolution thing was coming along. Plus, as it happens, I had a few specific questions. Here’s a sampling of what I learned.

Charles Darwin — Milner, Georgia

Darwin: N’yello.

Me: Is this Charles Darwin?

Darwin: Well, if it ain’t, I been cashing some other guy’s paychecks ever’ month.

Me: Phew. You don’t know how long I’ve been trying to find you. I’m really hoping you can help me, Mr. Darwin. You see, I have these webbed toes, webbed as a Mallard, and I was wondering if that makes–

CLANG

Charles Darwin — Springfield, VA

Darwin: Darwins.

Me: Mr. Darwin, I have a question for you: In terms of evolutionary theory, if I feed my bulldog a laxative, will that make him a shitzu?

CLANG

Charles Darwin — Newport Beach, California

Darwin: Hello?

Me: Mr. Charles Darwin?

Darwin: Yeah.

Me: Mr. Darwin, this is Jon Murray producer of such break-out reality-based programs as MTV’s "The Real World" and "Survivor." My partner, Mary-Ellen Burnim, and I are putting together a new reality show for FOX, where six people with famous names all live together in a yurt and–

Darwin: Who is this? Baum, is this you, you jackass?

Me: We’ve already got a Betsy Ross from Modesto; a Benito Mussolini from Hackensack, and a–

CLANG

Charles Darwin — Dadeville, Alabama

Darwin: Darwin residence.

Me: Is this Charles Darwin?

Darwin: You want senior or junior?

Me: Um, senior, I guess.

Darwin: Then you got him.

Me: Mr. Darwin, thank God I got you. You’ve gotta tell me, what the heck’s the deal with the platypus? I mean, the tail of a beaver, the bill of a duck? Come on, that’s a made up–

Darwin: Grow up.

CLANG

Charles Darwin — Virginia Beach, Virginia

Woman: Hello?

Me: Is Charles Darwin available?

Woman: I’m afraid he’s not here. Can I take a message?

Me: Yes, this is Merrill Stuebing. Can you please just tell Charles that I called?

Woman: Well, he’s down at the club playing squash with Cliff Dahlquist–

Me: Cliff Dahlquist, that old so and so? That’s fine. I’ll just see him at Hooters later like we planned. Thanks.

CLICK

Charles Darwin — San Francisco, California

Darwin: Hello.

Me: Hello. Is Mr. Darwin in?

Darwin: This is Chuck Darwin.

Me: Oh, Hello, Mr. Darwin. Sorry to bother you at home. The nice people over at The Star Spanieled Dog Kennel gave me your number.

Darwin: Down at the Star what–?

Me: So, here’s my predicament, Mr. Darwin. I’m so glad to have caught you. You see, I’ve been trying to mate this mandrill and this gazelle to make a manzelle, and–

CLICK

Rev. Charles Darwin — Rolling Prairie, Indiana

Darwin: Hello.

Me: Judge Charles Darwin?

Darwin: Yes, who is this?

Me: Jack Tripper, judge. I just had a quick question. Here’s the situation. If I knock up my sheepdog, and then we split up, do I need to pay child support on all the pups?

Darwin: Very funny. I bet you think you’re a real laugh factory? Well, I know how to deal with–

CLICK

Charles Darwin — Alpharetta, Georgia

Darwin: You’ve reached the home of Charles, Emily and Tucker Darwin. We’re either down at the store or at soccer practice, so leave a message and we’ll get back to you. Beep

Me: This is an automated message. You have been identified as a threat to evolution by the Office of Homeland Defense. You have 36 hours to vacate your current premises and undergo relocation to France. Thank you. Message to self-destruct in 3, 2, 1.

CLICK

Charles Darwin — Downington, Pennyslvania

Teenage girl: Hello?

Me: Hi, sweetie, is your Daddy home?

Child: Dad! [sound of phone dropping]

Darwin: This is Charles Darwin.

Me: Mr. Darwin? I’m just wondering, if you were swimming near a blue whale and it farted, would it kill you?

Darwin: [to daughter] Suze, it’s for you. [sound of phone dropping]

CLICK