| |
BusOneSeven: The Chicken Came First
Top ten reasons why your pending fatherhood should excite the living Hell out of you
by Roderick Armageddon
There simply isn't a more exhilarating way to drink in all that life has to offer than by raising a child -or so I'm told. I'm about five months away from beginning this strangely natural yet horrendously unmapped journey, myself, so I'm not quite sure if the stories are fact or fiction. Regardless, I'm betting on every last little bit of heart-felt, hooky-pookey, pro-baby speak I've consumed over the past few years that the experience is positively life changing.
Unfortunately, most men react to the pending birth of their child with horror. I admit it - over the first few days the idea was chilling, making me shit my pants repeatedly and uncontrollably -not unlike the expected behavior of that pudgy little raisin growing inside my wife's tummy. Yes, I said tummy. That's one of the many side effects associated with preparing for the arrival of your own home-spun offspring -you start integrating a rich and lively medley of smoothly rounded words and phrases, as if the entire world was as sensitive as you expect your unborn child to be.
Directing someone else's life is a scary prospect. It wasn't but two weeks ago that upon awakening from a drunken stupor while clad in a pair of Spongebob boxers and a Knight Rider T-shirt, I had to be coaxed from my sofa with a snickers bar in order to get to get bed. "And this guy is going to be vying for Dad of the Year?"
If you're a man who is currently over-thinking the prospect of raising a child, you're bound to scare the heck right out of yourself. This fear may result in your self-administering a non-HMO approved vasectomy, or possibly writing off women altogether. At the very least you might end up dating nothing but older women who are adamantly opposed to the idea of their uterus as an incubation chamber. Whatever your course of action (or knee-jerk reaction), you'll make sure never to let your seed spill anywhere near a fertile field.
So, my humble brothers in fatherhood. armed with the knowledge that you may be facing nine months of anxiety, frustration and uncontrollable head sweats; my advice is to buck up and live life to its fullest. Really. get a grip on yourselves. The other option just isn't that attractive. Even if you and mommy end up splitting the sheets over cash, sex, reality TV or because "I've grown over the years.," you'll still be left with the truly wondrous experience of helping to craft the reality of your own little doppelganger.
As part of Anvil's ongoing and entirely unselfish commitment to serving the needs of our readers, I now present the top ten reasons why your pending fatherhood should do little less than excite the living Hell right out of you.
10. Burping Means More Here
That's right. all those little things that make you less than a hit with the ladies will make you a God among men with the little one. Prepare your best armpit farts, because your title may be in jeopardy.
9. The Ladies DIG Dads Who Really Get Into It
The urban myth that men who raise kids are sexy is hardly a myth. If you're a single dad, you may have a very strategic ally sitting in the stroller in front of you. If you're not single, well. it sure doesn't hurt the old ego, eh?
8. A Lifetime of Looking in the Mirror
What could possibly be better than seeing the world through someone else's eyes, as they experience it through you? Every time you peer into their glowing little mug you'll get a glimpse of the future and a glimmer of the past. I've been told by many dads that it's not unlike looking right back at yourself.
7. Finally, You Can Share Your Stories with Someone Who Really Cares
No matter how lame they may be, those old tales of high school craziness will seem like true gold to your child -at least for a few years. you know, before you become an old lame ass they don't want to be seen with. But hey! We're not here to focus on the negatives; we're here to bolster the fact that at some point in your child's upbringing, your tale of tossing dry ice bombs into Trisha Blaylock's back yard at 1 a.m. will really paint you as a true pioneer of recklessness and rebellion.
6. "Daddy, who are the Pet Shop Boys?"
It's difficult to predict who the Britney Spears of your child's day will be, so it's best to focus on the fact that your Erasure and New Order collection will become a fascinating historical library for your little one. Take advantage of their innocence and expose them to your favorites before they discover their own. Who knows, they may just take to liking the same dark, brooding tunes that filled your ears in 1989.
5. The Whoa-Factor
Aside from showing your country cousins around New York City, how often do you get the chance to expose someone to a world where nearly everything elicits a "Whoa!" Take advantage of it because it's a gift you'll never get again.
4. Chevy Chase really is a God
Pack up the old Griswold family truckster and head out on the open road. Family vacations are by no means a thing of the past and since you likely had to endure the Mojave Desert in the back of a 1977 Ford Thunderbird, so should your children! Even if you have a nice car, consider renting something with a cramped back seat and no air conditioning -so everyone can bask in the "complete" experience.
3. No More Lonely Nights
As long as you're raising your little raisin, you will never have to feel alone -even if you're with someone you love. You'll always have someone in the next room who desperately needs you, even if their not willing to admit it. Love the moment.
2. "What, Did I just turn 40?"
Many men that I've spoken with commented that when raising a child, it's easy to forget just how damn old you're getting because you're much to preoccupied with life to worry about it. Before you know it, you may be old and gray -thank goodness you were too busy building forts and staging Twinkie eating contests to notice.
1. Nine out of Ten Men Agree, Post-Baby Sex is Just More Fun!
There are a number of physical benefits that many women experience after delivering a child, but it's this physical change combined with the fact that you'll be hard pressed to find enough spare time to do it that's sure to make the experience all the more sweet. Adding a little bit of "caught in mom and dad's basement" to the mix is sure to fire up the spirits. "Hurry, I think he's waking up!"
Roderick Armageddon was recently indicted on charges of "tampering with the elemental substance of nature." He currently writes from his cell at the Umatilla County Justice Center in Pendleton, Oregon.
|
|
