Aries
Contemplate mysteries of the ancient world. Look back over all the
National Geographics you have saved. Yes, we know that you only saved
ones with pictures of naked natives, but you have to start somewhere.
Read the text this time, don’t just look at the pictures…..I
can see I have already lost you. Sigh. You will make curry for Cancer.
Taurus
You are a clueless bore, and everybody loves you anyways. Why? You
are a magical, radiant being. Go take a bath. Although, people will
still love you even if you stink. You are a magical, radiant, stinky
being. Ninety-nine percent of the population still loves you and
will do you no harm. Libra will burn your stinky drawers when you
aren’t looking.
Gemini
Bipolar. St. John’s Wort & B-vitamins. Bedwetting problems.
No fluids after 8pm.
Cancer
You are in need of a spiritual odyssey. Pack your bags and go to
India. Unless you are broke, then buy a greyhound ticket to Pismo
Beach. Consider giving up all your possessions and living among
the poor in Calcutta. Again, if you are broke, then just stay in
Pismo Beach until you run out of money. You will not reach nirvana
in this lifetime, but hey, it got you out of town didn’t it? Aries
will make you curry.
Leo
You wish you were Taurus. However you are not. You are overbearing
and your ego is unbelievably inflated. You think everybody you meet
is your biggest fan. You give imaginary interviews to Katie Couric
in your head while you are brushing your teeth every morning. You
will die of a Fen-fen overdose in your mid-forties.
Virgo
The wanderlust spirit must come home and rejuvenate her spirit.
Check your 1000 e-mails while downing a bottle of Cuervo 1800, take
a taxi downtown and go salsa dancing. Take Libra along for good
luck. Buy her drinks by the way, she’s unemployed - some crazy bathroom
stunt! Sagittarius will pine for you.
Libra
Screw around at work today. Spend at least 3 hours in the bathroom.
If you get bored, take a poll. "Do you think I should cut my
hair shorter? How about a spiral perm? Do you think I am pear-shaped
or more like a banana?" Be considerate of your co-workers coming
and going. If they spend a lot of time in the stall, do them a favor
and make cover noise for them by singing show-tunes - very loudly.
Scorpio
You are jealous of Libra, and plan on turning her in for screwing
around in the bathroom. Be mindful of the laws of karma before you
do it though. She did sing ’Happy Days’ while you were pinching
a loaf, and that was REAL helpful.
Sagittarius
You will continue to pine for your distant love. Make it easy on
yourself by buying things for Libra, she’s unemployed - some crazy
bathroom stunt. The stars say you should buy her a Bowflex and some
Todd McFarlane Kiss dolls. Leo will ski naked with you.
Capricorn
Others around you will not be able to make decisions without your
help. Encourage them to decide quickly, or you will kick their ass.
If you don’t like the way they are leaning, tell them do it your
way or you will kick their ass. Come to think of it, regardless
of what they end up deciding, you may want to kick their ass anyways.
Aquarius
Your mind is trapped on a Merry-Go-Round of insecurities and paranoia.
Your mind is trapped on a Merry-Go-Round of insecurities and paranoia.
Your mind is trapped on a Merry-Go-Round of insecurities and paranoia.
Your mind is trapped on a Merry-Go-Round of insecurities and paranoia.
Pisces
You are going to do something terrible and then, you are going to
jail. I bought you some soap-on-a-rope, don’t forget to write!
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