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A National Police Blotter: Bring in the Clowns!
And you thought reality TV was bad...

The following crime reports are true. All were taken directly from the daily, weekly or monthly reports of the policing agency noted. Anvil dares you to have faith in humankind after reading these.

Niles, Illinois Police Department

• Petty Theft

A clerk at Cigarette Depot, 7227 Harlem Ave., reported that an elderly man entered the store on the morning of Feb. 2, concealed a 99-cent bottle of gin under his jacket and left the store without paying for it, police said. He was last seen walking into the parking lot of the Renaissance Condos on Touhy Avenue.

The clerk told police that the man, believed to be in his eighties, is known for stealing small merchandise from the store, including cigars and small bottles of alcohol.

• Parking Lot Dispute

Three men allegedly became involved in physical altercations over a parking space at Wal Mart, 5630 Touhy Ave., on the afternoon of Feb. 2, police said.

According to police, a man was approached by a subject who accused him of stealing his parking space. The two began arguing and the man pushed the subject who fell to the ground. Later, the subject's son confronted the man who had parked in the disputed space and allegedly punched him, knocking him to the ground.

The Towerlight (a Baltimore college newspaper)

• Mischief

In Tower B, an unknown person discharged a fire extinguisher on the floor. The total loss of value due to damages was $100. The case remains open.

• Mischief

In Scarborough Hall, an unknown person made an unwanted telephone call.

• Controlled Substance

In Tower A, the smell of marijuana was coming from a dorm room. The case remains open.

University of Houston Security

• Public Intoxication

Individual observed harassing students in front of One Main Building. Further investigation revealed individual intoxicated. Individual arrested and transferred to Harris County Jail. Case Closed. 

• Disorderly Conduct

Several students reported an individual causing a disturbance at Smoothie King. Investigation revealed a student causing said disturbance. Student issued county citation for disorderly conduct and referred to Dean of Student Affairs for disciplinary action. Case Closed. 

• Public Intoxication

Officer observed illegally parked vehicle. Investigation revealed a suspect sitting in vehicle intoxicated. Suspect arrested and transported to Harris County Jail. Case Closed. 

• Inhalant Abuse

UH-D Police requested to assist Metropolitan Transit Authority Police. Investigation revealed suspect inhaling lacquer thinner. Suspect arrested and transported to Harris County Jail. Case Closed. 

Bee Group Newspapers (Nine weekly newspapers serving the suburbs of Buffalo, New York)

• Someone tried to pay for $2.40 worth of gas with empty beer cans at a Central Avenue gas station in Lancaster.
• A loud party due to a new Playstation game was reportedly going on most of the day on Sundridge Dr. No arrests were made.
• A resident of White Acres Road received a non-threatening letter telling her to control her children.
• A bag of potato chips was taken from Delaware Avenue store.
• A West Seneca Police Officer said two males were in local restaurant urinating all over the place. The officer said the two were escorted out. The two then went to another restaurant on Orchard Park Road.
• A victim in Carriage Park heard a small popping sound and later discovered someone had blown up her mailbox.
• A man was charged with petit larceny after he allegedly left the Ridge Road Home Depot with a power nailer in his pants.
• A man reported that another man pulled up to his vehicle on Union Road, displayed a gun and demanded money. When he said he had none, the suspect then asked for his cellular phone. He said 'no' and drove off.
• A man was charged with menacing after a woman reported he bit her and knocked her down on Hoerner Avenue.
• Two men were charged with attempted larceny and criminal mischief after grabbing bullets and putting them in their pockets at the Thruway Plaza. One of the men was also charged with possession of narcotics.
• A loose animal was reported on Greiner Road.
• A door-to-door salesperson was reported on Ransom Road.
• A large bird crashed through a bedroom window on Foxcroft Lane.

• A resident of Wellingwood Dr. reported that his mailbox in the shape of a cow was stolen.
• A man was reported running naked through a store on Walden Avenue while another man was videotaping him.
• A 2-year-old was reported bitten by a skunk while playing on the front porch. A neighbor fought off the skunk with a large rock. The animal was located on Parkdale Avenue, destroyed and later tested for rabies.
• A female reported receiving harassing phone calls from an employee after she told him that he smelled, and would have to clean up or be fired, at the Plaza.
• A Little Tikes Castle was stolen on Olmstead Avenue, Depew.

Lubbock, Texas Police Department

• Aggravated Assault

A woman told police she was beaten by three strangers Friday afternoon while she was sitting in traffic. One assailant reached through her open driver's window and hit her in the head with a beer can. The assailant then grabbed the woman by the hair and banged her head repeatedly against the doorframe. The victim drove to a nearby car wash but the assailants followed. All three then kicked and punched her repeatedly. The woman told police she did not know her attackers.

• Injury to Child

A girl was injured outside a school Friday afternoon after she was hit in the head with three cupcakes. The girl was walking outside Dupree Elementary School near the cafeteria when she chanced upon three people throwing cupcakes at each other. One of the cupcake flingers pushed her down and hit her on the right side of the head with a purple cupcake. The others then hit her in the head with a green cupcake and a red cupcake. The girl said her head hurt from the impact of the pastries. The girl's brother told police he was working as the safety patrol and observed the assault. The investigating officer found the remains of cupcake icing on the girl's head and face.

• Criminal Trespass

Lubbock Independent School District Police were called Friday to Preston Smith Elementary to issue a criminal trespass warning. The assistant principal told police that a man came onto campus wearing only thin gauze-type pajamas. He went into the cafeteria where the children were having lunch. When the principal asked the man what he was doing there, the man told him he wanted to get warm. The principal told him to leave the campus and not return or he would be arrested.

The man began running from the principal. The principal and assistant principal followed the man in their vehicles in attempts to identify him. The assistant principal found him in a tree several blocks from campus. The assistant principal told the man he could not return to campus or he would be sent to jail. The man asked if he could return if he had children there. The assistant principal told the man that he did not have children there. The man again ran away from the assistant principal.

Corpus Christi Caller Times

• Assault

A 30-year-old man said that, when he sat down at a restaurant with a female friend, his 25-year-old wife hit him on his ear. He said she started to use vulgarities and went after his friend, so he took his wife outside the restaurant. He said that once they were outside, his wife kicked him on the wrist, breaking his watch.

• Theft

400 Sun Belt Drive: Tote bag, golf bag, cutlery set, clothes, "peanut butter colored" ostrich skin boots, jacket, two shower heads, lingerie bag, valued at $2,300, golf clubs, four credit cards, bottle of Zoloft medication, bottle of Viagra, underwear, bras and paperwork, value not available.

Daily Illini Newspaper

• Assault

A 30-year-old man was arrested for battering his 54-year-old girlfriend in a public parking lot Tuesday after they argued about where to sit for lunch.

• Assault

A 13-year-old boy was arrested for battery after touching a 13-year-old girl's buttocks at Urbana Middle School, 1201 S. Vine St., on the morning of March 27. According to an Urbana police report, the boy approached the girl between classes and made insulting comments about her buttocks. He then touched her buttocks.

The Campbell Reporter (Campbell, California)

• Drunk in Public

An 18-year-old male was reported by his father to be intoxicated and riding a Go-Ped -- a motorized scooter -- in the neighborhood. He was stopped by the police for riding without a helmet and was intoxicated and unable to take care of himself.

• Vandalism

Two 19-year-old males and one 18-year-old male were using a Little League table at Hamilton Avenue to practice their kung fu. The three suspects destroyed the table and fled when the police arrived. The authorities pursued the suspects on foot and all three were captured and booked into jail.