|
Aries
- March 19-April 18
Wear a helmet today because you'll need it! You will be accident
prone so stay away from high places, street curbs, and all general
moving objects. You may want to eat with a spoon today. Your planning
skills will shine as you brief family and friends on emergency plans
and hospital routes. Since Aries is a fire sign, you'll need to
surround yourself with the water sign, Gemini. Go forth, but take
heed, friend.
Taurus
- April 19-May 19
You're still looking good, unless you are pinko communist bastard
of a Canadian. But it may be difficult to concentrate on work. This
might have something to do with the fact that you are Canadian.
If you are Canadian, please hit yourself five times. If you cannot
figure out how to do this because you are such a dumb Canadian,
then just bang your huge Canadian head into the closest solid object.
If you are not Canadian, things will be better tomorrow. So just
go ahead and fake an obscure and vague illness and leave work early
today. You can still enjoy this day if you try.
Gemini
- May 20-June 19
It's a good time to gamble. The best way to win is to play. The
second best way is to cheat, and Gemini's are known cheaters. Just
don't get caught. And stop touching yourself.
Cancer
- June 20-July 21
You are the smartest person you know. You are respected for your
ego and control of any situation. A glossy color photo with a movie
star is in your future. Just be sure not to let your significant
find it under the mattress.
Leo
- July 22- Aug. 21
Stay focused on what is important to you. Remember those who love
you and try not to let tax burdens and bad drivers get you down.
Lower your insurance deductible as long as you keep parking in the
lot next to the methadone clinic.
Virgo
- Aug. 22-Sept. 21
You have the constant desire to help people. Knock it off. If that
poor woman with the MedicAlert bracelet has fallen and can't get
up, take her purse and get out of there. Cists are a part of your
future.
Libra
- Sep. 22-Oct. 21
Wash your hands, and stop eating crappy foods. Where are your manners?
You may find yourself eating like a bird. Stop swearing. Keep your
eye out for soap in your mouth. Someone who loves you is looking
for answers about the new dent in the car.
Scorpio
- Oct. 22-Nov. 20
Smile, for a change. You've got the whole world in your hands (as
far as you know). Don't let that growth on your arm distract you
from inevitable wealth and fame. Stupid people will try to slow
you down today. Avoid them with a simple stare and growl.
Sagittarius
- Nov. 21-Dec. 20
Having a hard month? Work keeping you up at night? Clients being
mean to you? Subordinates asking for too many days off? Get over
it puss-boy. Nobody cares about your scalable, enterprise interoperable,
B2B, dot-com loser job. Wal-Mart greeters and virgin high school
geek hackers get more respect than you do. Go home and thank god
that your clients haven't figured out that they can hire a team
of organ-grinder monkeys to replace you for free.
Capricorn
- Dec. 21-Jan. 19
A vacation to Las Vegas is in your future. Your lucky number is
5 and your color is red. Your best bet is blackjack or roulette,
but stay away from craps. A meeting with a large man named "Vinny,"
regarding your finances, will capture your attention.
Aquarius
- Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Get up off your ass and change the channel yourself. Your strong
sense of self will be ruined later today when you forget to put
on pants before heading to the store. The "mystery" plants
you've been growing in the basement are eaten by your cat Can-E-Bus.
Pisces
- Feb. 19-March 18
Don't assume because everybody that passes you is smiling that they
are friendly; it is because your fly is down. Pretend that you are
the opposite sex today and things that were unsolvable in the past
should fall into place now. Romance is in the cards, but it will
most likely be with a farm animal (Kent, if that is too racy for
your newsletter change "farm animal" to a "guy named
Leonard, who at the age of 37 still lives with his grandma".)
Invest your money wisely because tomorrow you will be fired, loser.
|
