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Aries
- March 19-April 18
While doing some late-night shopping for drywall and power tools,
you will accidentally be locked in Home Depot for the night. Luckily
you’ll have a triple mocha to keep you going all night, and boy,
will the morning crew be surprised when they find you putting the
final coat of wood stain on your brand new jungle gym.
Taurus
- April 19-May 19
The sun will be moving into Taurus, ruled by Venus, the planet of
sensuality. Rest up the first half of the month, because the rest
will be taken up by sweaty, athletic, marathon sex. Don’t have a
partner? Well, still rest up; you won’t be able to keep your hands
off yourself! Be wary of odd-shaped vegetables, they may play part
in a late-night trip to the emergency room.
Gemini
- May 20-June 19
You are physically attractive to members of the opposite sex, but
your schizophrenic personality scares them away. Try pheromones
and herbal ecstasy - slip it in their gin & tonic when they
aren’t looking. Oh, no, wait - don’t put both in the drink at the
same time! You idiot! Run - run away now!!
Cancer
- June 20-July 21
Great news! You’re company is grasping for funding and on the verge
of shutting down! Quit crying, I didn’t finish yet. When you will
attend a pink-slip party, you will get laid for the first time in
3 months. It’s totally worth losing your job - you know it is!
Leo
- July 22- Aug. 21
Strange currents in the air keep you awake every night. While surfing
the net at 2:30 am, your world will be shattered when you find nude
pictures of your grandmother on the S&M Bondage page. What did
I tell you about visiting websites that you have to pay to get into?
Ask Grammy if that was grandpa in the vinyl facemask - I dare you!
That’s some funny shit! I’m going to ask her. I smell Springer-cam!
Virgo
- Aug. 22-Sept. 21
It’s
time to quit your day job and pursue entertainment full time. There
can never be enough Elvis impersonators at Saturday Market! Make
sure to get a strap-on harmonica that will definitely give you the
edge! Gemini will steal your patchouli. Cancer will have a party
and not invite you.
Libra
- Sep. 22-Oct. 21
This month you are under scrutiny by the unemployment office. You
are so busted for blowing off job interviews so you could beg for
money to buy Manic Panic hair dye. Cancer will buy your old Stevie
Nicks CD’s for $5 bucks a pop, now you can get your eyebrow pierced!
Wahoo!
Scorpio - Oct. 22-Nov. 20
This month is crucial for your career development at work. Beg and
plead with your boss to let you give a presentation in the next
staff meeting. Present your argument for being able to purchase
company stock in one dollar increments, then bust into the best
lip-sync you have ever done - to the Cure. You ARE Robert Smith,
yes you are. All I want to know is.... why can’t I be you? You are
SO totally going to get a raise.
Sagittarius
- Nov. 21-Dec. 20
People
will gather to discuss your finer traits. Because you are going
to die this month! Make sure your estate is in order and wear clean
undies every day. Ha ha, just kidding, you’re not really going to
die. You are, however, definitely going to crash into a tree skiing
naked the last day of ski season. A concussion and torn knee ligament
will be your only problems, that, and being laughed at by ski patrol.
Even the rescue dog is going to laugh at you.
Capricorn
- Dec. 21-Jan. 19
Relationships
may be strained, resulting in absolutely no sex for the rest of
the month. Resist temptations to shoplift chin-dongs and handcuffs
from the adult toy store. They don’t take shoplifters to jail, no
they don’t! They hand them over to Bob the Freak. Yup, Bob the Freak
is so freaky that even hardcore S&M people run the other way
when they see him coming. Quit laughing, that was not a pun! Pervert.
Aquarius
- Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Write your own damn horrorscope you lying, two-faced behemoth! By
the way, yes I am still mad about that rumor you started in 10th
grade. You deserve to have stringy hair with lots of dandruff for
the rest of your life. Oh yeah, and I hope your kids all have ADHD!
Pisces
- Feb. 19-March 18
You are charismatic and witty. What? Oops, that’s Libra…let’s
see what we’ve got for Pisces…okay, here it is: you are a whiny
bastard and you think the world hangs on your every word! I have
some advice for you - SHUT UP!! Cancer will accuse you of butt sniffing.
Work on an alibi.
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