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Hey Anvil, Who Made You?
The Long, Rocky, Itchy, Exciting, Drunken, and Occasionally Amusing Rise to World Domination
by Kent Lewis and Greg Coyle

In the Beginning
It’s true, Anvil began somewhat inauspiciously. For the very first issue of the ezine we return to 40,000 B.C., to what is now Euro Disney, to a series of random prehistoric scratches carved into a goat hide. We say inauspiciously because those scratches represented no discernible language, and the audience — a population of Cro-Magnon cave dwellers — communicated only by inarticulate grunts and screeches. (Editor’s note: The team of archaeologists from the University of Utah that discovered and translated the hide has determined it is a "hilarious send-up of prehistoric hygiene.") While the issue may not have met with success, the experience taught us two valuable lessons as writers: one, only write when you have a language, and two, the audience is stupid. These two golden rules remain our guiding light today. Thank you, Orgk.

Unlike its original contributor, Anvil continued to evolve. Issues were discovered among the artifacts of the ancient Mayans, in the communities of both Upper and Lower Egypt, among the Phoenicians and in the Yang-shao rice farming culture of China. The content was thin, with only a few pieces in each issue, all of them simple and uninformative, relying too heavily on pictograms of women with large breasts. In 2750 B.C., Gilgamesh, who had encountered an issue that reportedly made him laugh so hard his yak tea came out his nose, made Anvil the official periodical of the Sumerian empire. This was just the kind of free publicity Anvil needed, and the ezine took off.

A Timeline from Then to Now
Below is a brief historical record of the publication’s development:

2000 B.C. — Anvil is required reading among priest class of the Jomon culture in Japan. The ezine coins the term "ezine." Also makes up term "Bronze Age."

1193 B.C. — City of Troy is destroyed. Anvil makes fun of city’s name in piece entitled "Troy: Ancient City or Gay Soldier?"

810 B.C. — Sammuramat rules Assyria. Writes popular battle review column for Anvil called "Cheers and Spears."

559 B.C. — Cyrus founds the Persian Empire. Credits the idea to a piece he read in Anvil.

214 B.C. — Construction of the Great Wall of China begins. Issues of the publication are eaten, with soy sauce, by starving workers. Subsequent excrement used as mortar substitute when project goes over-budget.

44 B.C. — Caesar is assassinated. Anvil wins support from Marcus Antonius with obituary article entitled, "Now You Caesar, Now You Don’t."

45 A.D. — Paul begins his missionary journeys. Promises audiences Anvil, but then only goes on about Hell.

132 A.D. — Shimeon Bar-Kockba leads Jews’ second revolt against Roman rule. Anvil is temporarily outlawed for turning his name into national slang put-down, e.g., "Hey, don’t touch my falafel, you kockba!"

370 A.D. — Huns from Asia invade Europe. Anvil’s irreverent take on raping and pillaging is a huge hit with Hun leaders.

565 A.D. — Justinian completes his three-volume codification of the laws of the Roman Empire. Anvil offices are sacked after the ezine gives the books a thumbs down, writing: "Let’s just say the side of the collection should say: ‘Warning: Do not read if operating a chariot.’"

838 A.D. — Louis the Pious divides his empire among his sons Lothair, Louis the German and Charles the Bad. Anvil is temporarily outlawed for renaming the sons: Lothair the Engorged, Louis the Rashy, Charles the Effeminate.

1012 A.D. — The Danes sack Canterbury, and are bought off by 36,000 pounds of silver. And lifetime subscriptions to Anvil. Denmark remains one of Anvil’s most committed fans.

1206 A.D. — Hunac Ceel revolts against the Maya of Chichén Itzá and sets up new capital at Mayapán. Anvil creates popular show called "Where in the world is Hunac Ceel?"

1453 A.D. — Ottoman Turks capture Constantinople, thus ending the Byzantine Empire and the Middle Ages. Anvil is temporarily outlawed after a lead story entitled "Ottomans Take Over and Bring Comfortable Footrests to All."

1620 A.D. — Pilgrim Fathers reach Cape Cod, Massachusetts, in the Mayflower and found New Plymouth. Anvil leads with joke: Q: Why do the pilgrims’ pants keep falling down? A: Because their belts are on their hats. Anvil is temporarily outlawed.

1804 A.D. — Napoleon Bonaparte crowns himself Napoleon I, Emperor of the French. He makes imperial decree that Anvil add Boggle to its pages. Anvil declines. After numerous executions, the remaining staff assents.

1914 A.D. — Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria assassinated by Serbian nationalist -- and Anvil editor -- Gavrilo "Gavvy" Prinzip. Thus begins the bad blood between Anvil and Austria that persists to this day. Up yours, Austria…!

Today and Tomorrow
Since the mid 1990s, Anvil has managed to steer clear of most international imbroglios, except for that little editorial party on the Exxon Valdez. That one is still costing us. After wandering the publication desert for millennia, we’ve finally established our headquarters in Portland, Oregon. This has permitted us to work with a number of managing bodies, including Vivo Media, KVO and Wave Rock.

As the current managing editor of the ezine, I understand very well the responsibility I bear. It is a heady position but one I have enjoyed and been fulfilled by since the early 1990s. Still, there’s no denying it’s been a wild ride. In the spring of 1997, for example, my then boss and partner in Anvil, Larry Flynt, informed me he was exercising his 51 percent ownership and kicking me out as managing editor.

I kept an eye on Anvil over the next few months, hoping something bad would happen. My wishes came true in the fall of 1997 when an insider at Anvil told me everyone was locked out of the office and the publication was shut down. Apparently, Mr. Flynt "disappeared," leaving behind 25 unemployed and one unhappy bank. It was a tough time for me, and for Anvil, and every day I thank the good people at Gotti and Sons Produce Co. for making that little problem "go away."

Other trials followed. In the summer of 1998, I was swept up in the rush to get it on the e-commerce bonanza. Anvil turned from its commitment to insightful, keenly observed stories to pitching all sorts of crap online. This included self-help books like "Women Who Love Men Who Love Inflatable Women" and fitness products like the AssMonkey. While it made us very rich — think Oprah rich — in the pocketbook, it made us very poor in the soul. Once we had all purchased homes in Aspen and elsewhere, and completed our battery of plastic surgeries, we agreed to return to the old format of news and views.

Right away we knew it was the right decision. The first few issues in early 1998 were stunning. Flash animation and excellent writing combined to create a formidable ezine. Former subscribers came back in droves and our subscription list skyrocketed, breaking all the records set the previous year by publisher powerhouse Teen Hustler.

That’s when I received a call from a large publisher in New York interested in purchasing Anvil. I flew out and negotiated a large equity deal with the publisher, which had made a name for itself with popular hobby magazines like Croquet Monthly and Toy Trains Today. On paper, the deal was worth the same as it was verbally — slightly over $1 million.

The Anvil brand was quickly and efficiently whored out like Disney characters. You could now purchase a limited edition Anvil bowling ball and matching bag. In a partnership agreement with Sears, you could buy an Anvil Grill by George Foreman. There were Anvil henna tattoos, Anvil cereal, Anvil-oriented cruises and even an Anvil anti-depressant put out by Bristol-Meyers.

In late 1999, the bottom fell out. The publisher went bankrupt, and the stock deal we’d been promised became virtually worthless. Rather than cash out, I elected to use my 10 percent equity to take Anvil back on, only this time I decided to maintain control and refocus on valuable content. Our crack sales team drummed up solid revenues from advertising and sponsorship deals. By summertime, we had 50 employees in a newly remodeled space. Our burn rate was down to $100K a month, and things were looking good.

To celebrate the new office and a successful first quarter, we flew everyone to Las Vegas for a major Roman-sized debauch. We reserved a ballroom at the MGM Grand and hired the Dixie Chicks to play their brand of sweet crossover country. We drank and ate and drank and danced and drank and gambled and drank. In the end, the party cost us over a million dollars, two years in related court proceedings, eight cases of the clap, and for at least one of our staff, his thumb in a strange slot machine accident. But it was all worth it: We were back!

Today, Anvil is going as strong as ever. The core team is dedicated to bringing you only the most entertaining, informative, thought-provoking content ever. Readership is growing and the opportunities are boundless. In the immortal words of Wheezy Jefferson, Fish don't fry in the kitchen; beans don't burn on the grill. Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill.