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1.
Anvil-Brand Jerky
Greatly overestimating the public's interest in new jerky flavors,
Anvil signed a long-term agreement with Food Innovations, Inc. and,
by contract, is obliged to accept delivery of specialty jerkies
through 2004. Recently, Anvil and the Los Angeles County School
System reached a tentative agreement for purchase of the surplus,
in a repackaged form; Pork, cod and French hen jerkies are being
marketed as "Casserole Meat Ingredient #53, #54 and #55," respectively.
2. "Thought for the Day" Calendar
Sales of Anvil's "Thought for the Day Desk Calendar 2001" suffered
mainly from
competition with the over 50 other TFTD calendars available that
year. Also, the Anvil calendar's thoughts for the day were written
by the staff in one long, late-night session, and may not have been
as thoughtful or inspirational as those of other similar products.
"Thoughts" included "Today is the first day of the rest of the week,"
"Every day's a special day to celebrate your specialness," and "Follow
your dream wherever it leads you, unless it involves mime, sand
sculpture or four-part harmony."
3.
Anvil Organ Transplant Service
Looking
to give back to the community, Anvil established the "Don’t
Kidney Me, You Really Have an Organ for Me?" Agency. The non-profit
organization dedicated itself to shadowing NASCAR events, hockey
games, women’s shoe sales and other potentially dangerous locales
in search of surplus kidneys, hearts, lungs, livers and that one
squishy dark thing right above the stomach. After serving only two
needy patients, the agency was shut down by the American Medical
Association, which called the enterprise, "The most grossly
ignorant, most dubiously run, most potentially harmful medical program
since Dr. Kevorkian opened his day care center." All leftover
organs were later sold to Arby’s for a loss.
4.
Anvil Sponge Pants and Sponge Furniture
In
an effort to meet the developing incontinency needs of an aging
America, Anvil invested in a line of sponge-enabled products for
today’s weak-bladdered men and women. Applying the very cutting-edge
in liquid-retention technology, Anvil oversaw the development of
a prototype of its revolutionary urine-reservoir trouser. Dubbed
Spongerees, the pants could retain up to 16 fluid ounces of urine
and still keep their fashionable shape. At the same time, Anvil,
in association with IKEA, began development of an entire line of
sponge couches and chairs. Not only would today’s bladder-challenged
citizen be able to pee freely while, say, chatting at a woman’s
luncheon or on the golf course, now they would never again need
to miss any of their favorite television programs to visit the restroom.
Production on all sponge products was discontinued in the first
quarter of 2000. On the advice of its legal counsel, Anvil management
has elected not to comment.
5.
The Anvil Zoo and Aquarium
Anvil
has always been mindful of the plight of animals around the world.
In keeping with its commitment to environmental consciousness, the
company sought to create a safe haven for some of the world’s
most threatened species. Groundbreaking on the north Portland complex
was slated for September 1999. Unfortunately, plans for this ambitious
facility were scrapped when a group of mandrills escaped from their
holding pens at Portland International Airport, stole an SUV and
began a cross-country crime spree. Wal-Mart, Men’s Warehouse
and The Old Spaghetti Factory all brought suit. The case was settled
out of court for an undisclosed sum. The mandrills were eventually
apprehended in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, where they were anesthetized,
dressed to look like Japanese tourists and put on a bus for Canada.
6.
Anvil’s Cigarette Beer
Called
Cigarale, this landmark new product was going to provide Anvil the
much-needed revenue boost to begin publishing its popular ezine
in Urdu and French, the last two languages not represented by the
globally minded publication. Blending the smooth, satisfying taste
of the finest cigarette tobacco with the cool, refreshing flavor
of a great ale, Anvil hoped to appeal to drunks and smokers alike.
Initial batches were thought too strong to appeal to young people,
so research continued. Finally, with the help of Bell Labs, Coors
and Philip Morris, a perfect balance was found and the product bottled
for distribution. While the beer caught on immediately in the American
south, with militia groups and among commercial airline pilots,
it failed miserably elsewhere. Production ceased six weeks later.
7.
Anvil’s Vegan Breakfast Cereal
In
1999, an Anvil staff member posed the question, "Hey, how are
our country’s vegan peoples to enjoy a nice bowl of breakfast
cereal?" Always looking for a cause to get behind, Anvil thought
this an important issue and began an exhaustive search to find an
answer. The solution, after consultation with Deepak Chopra and
the Cardboard Manufacturer’s Union -- Local 176, was a suite
of breakfast cereals designed expressly for our vigilant no-animal-byproduct-eating
friends. Made from the richest soil and the very best paper products,
Gastronuggets were stocked in natural food stores and pet shops
across the country. And instead of milk, Gastronuggets came with
six ounces of 100% natural whale expectorant, making, when mixed
with the cereal, for a filling meal anytime of the day. Unfortunately,
Gastronuggets are no longer commercially sold and are available
only within public school systems and in most Mexican prisons.
8.
Anvil’s Televangelist Trading Cards
While
not specifically God-fearing, the staff at Anvil has always been
mildly nervous about God. With that as the departure point, Anvil
invested in Big Guy Novelties Ltd. to produce and distribute televangelist
trading cards. Highlighting TV’s most notable on-air missionaries,
the cards included a full-color action photo of the minister on
the front and all their vital statistics on the reverse. These included
I.Q., rehab clinics attended, number of suits, number of pieces
of jewelry, previous failed businesses, number of divorces, and
number and nature of previous arrests. The line of cards was introduced
in trailer park gift shops and included a breath mint in each pack.
The product did not, however, take off as expected, and was eventually
confiscated by state and federal authorities pursuant to a number
of legal cases involving the cards’ various subjects. A recent
visit to eBay verifies that certain cards are still circulating
among collectors, including the purchase last month of a Jimmy Swaggart
for $12,000.
9.
Anvil’s Do-It-Yourself Taxidermy Kits
At
Anvil, we love our pets. Some of us, in fact, have no other friends
at all. So when Bunko Inc. approached us about investing in an at-home
taxidermy kit they were calling Fill-A-Friend, we jumped at the
chance. Right away, we understood the potential market appeal of
keeping your beloved Fluffy or Rex in your life forever, no matter
what the Fed/Ex truck may have done to him. Manufacturing costs
were dramatically reduced when an agreement was forged with Elks
Clubs across the U.S. to package the kit for delivery for a modest
fee. Arthur Bakewell, then company CEO, even appeared on "Live!
With Regis and Kathie Lee," "Houston A.M.," and "Martha
Stewart Living" to discuss the kits. Unfortunately, tragedy
cut short any hopes of success. A rancher in Midland, Texas, attempting
to embalm his favorite quarter horse, discovered too late that the
animal was only sleeping. He was kicked to death and the family
sued Bunko Inc., forcing the company to close its doors.
10.
Anvil’s Easy Brew Barrel
Hoping
to leverage the enormous success of Hasbro’s "Easy Bake
Oven," Midwest toy manufacturer Stroh and Sons contacted our
investment department with a revolutionary idea: With the oven,
kids had their dessert, now they needed a refreshing after-dessert
drink. The Easy Brew Cask would provide just that. It seemed a total
no-brainer to us and we gave the enthusiastic go ahead. Shooting
for a St. Patrick’s Day release, the factory in Golden, Colorado,
worked double-time to prepare for the expected demand. Included
in every box was a miniature oak cask, a plastic mixing rod, and
single-serving packets of yeast, hops, and grains — everything
a young brewer could need. Knowing that some kids prefer a heavier
flavor, packets to make a stout and porter were also developed.
Despite exhaustive research and consultation with the nation’s
premier brewers, the product bombed. Critics criticized the toy
as contributing to a nationwide rise in bicycle accidents. Anvil
still hopes to bring the product for the 2002 Christmas season,
so stay tuned.
11.
Anvil’s Hot Irons magazine
In
response to a growing demand for Anvil to feature adult content,
in the fall of 1999 editors willingly launched their most aggressive
project to date, Anvil Hot Irons magazine. Hot Irons
was the first and last print version of Anvil ever to be produced.
Cultivating content from the Web, as well as staff member’s
personal collections and on-site photo shoots, Anvil managed to
launch the first issue with 26 pages. Initial response was strong
but growing discontent over editorial direction lead to a much larger
second issue (322 pages) featuring numerous sections exploring staff
members personal fetishes, including entire segments devoted to
Velcro, NASCAR pit crew member’s gloves, I Can’t Believe
It’s Not Butter (spray), and Kirby vacuum salesmen. When printing
and distribution costs upped the issue price to $26, advertisers
ran from the magazine in droves. Anvil dropped Hot Irons
before a third issue went to production. Secondhand copies of issue
one can be found on Amazon Auctions for $1-5. Twenty copies of issue
two were produced; last seen in the back of a 1971 Volvo wagon at
a rest stop at mile marker 265 on Interstate 29 just outside of
Tulsa, OK. On a happier note, Anvil’s in-house photo room is
still quite active to this day. If you’re interested in booking
time, please email Crib T. Bone at anvilfacials@anvil-media.com.
12.
Anvil’s Teen Country
In
an effort to reach a wider demographic in an exciting new segment
(riding the trend of popular country music), Anvil opened Oregon’s
only pop-country dance club, Teen Country, in Scappoose. Featuring
a purple velvet mechanical bull and wait staff wearing rhinestone
studded G-strings and chaps, Teen Country was a massive investment
attracting the attention of Good Morning Oregon, KPXT TV and on-site
broadcasts from Herm Donahue and Sammie Henkel from KiXX Radio’s
"Moons Over My Sammie" morning show. Though initially
quite popular with both teens and the Scappoose Youth Detention
Center, Teen Country was plagued with design flaws, mechanical failures
and poor marketing efforts (executed by Scappoose-based Global Breach
Inc.). Teen Country’s demise came about in the spring of 1998,
when just three weeks after opening, staff member DJ Anthrax mistakenly
plugged a series of three Roland drum machines and two 600-watt
amps into the facility’s local area network, frying Teen Country’s
electrical and sprinkler systems, as well as dropping electricity
in both Clatsop and Washington counties. The ensuing chaos resulted
in 216 separate lawsuits, most of which were settled out of court.
To this day, Teen Country is synonymous with the Scappoose cattle
riot of 1998.
13.
Anvil’s Hammer Energy Bar
The
result of a late night marketing brainstorm, the Hammer line never
actually came to fruition. Licensing Chen Jing Bakery of Rigby,
Idaho, to produce the premier product, the Hammer Energy Bar, Anvil
didn't see the first prototype for nearly ten months from the contract
date. Unfortunately, advertising for the bar started six months
earlier, with copy that indicated a "quick snacking, ultra-high-fiber,
low fat, high protein bar with a great mocha flavor." The Chen
Jing prototype weighed in at 10 ounces, featuring "Hi concentrate
Lo pon oil, hydrogenised rawhide tallow and fon duck egg resin,"
which lead to a fat content of 64 grams and a taste similar to smoked
Spam soaked in day-old sauerkraut. The Hammer Energy Bar never made
it to store shelves.
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