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Frankie Goes To The Valley
A Dot Com Story
by Kent Lewis

The brake lights in front of us didn’t seem to phase Frank. He was still doing upwards of 110 and it made me wonder whether or not I’d remembered to up the premiums on my life insurance.

"Look at this jackass in front of me," Frank said as he executed a high-speed maneuver into the HOV lane.

"For Christ’s sake Frank," I complained. "It’s not like we’re going to get fired for being 10 minutes late to work. It’s not like you need another dent." He responded by grinning and lifting his foot ever so slightly off the accelerator.

"You’re right Mikey. As your supervisor, I’m responsible for your safety and productivity," Frank said mockingly. "Besides, it’s your first day and I need you to be on top of your game."

Frank took the freeway exit at an impossible speed, looping around the off-ramp in a near drift. He edged around a Mercedes convertible in the inside lane and started to stomp on the gas. As he did, the Mercedes, blind to Mike’s small BMW, started to cut into our lane, nearly running us off the road. Frank responded with the horn and a middle finger. The other driver responded in-kind. It was on.

We danced in and out of traffic, cutting off hapless dot-commuters and generally being a menace to society. As we neared the entrance of our building, the Mercedes, now directly behind us, put on a turn signal.

"Wouldn’t you know it," I said to no one in particular. "The guy works in our building."

"Probably another consultant brought in to gouge us," Frank responded. "Too bad he tried to start with my car."

We pulled into a reserved space near the main entrance and unloaded from the car. The Mercedes turned down our aisle and the driver gave Frank a long, cocky look. Mike responded with is best Boy Scout smile. The Mercedes pulled into an open space next to the spot reserved for the CEO.

Mike gave me a brief tour of the three-story office building, introducing me to a few co-workers. While everyone seemed polite and friendly, I couldn’t help but sense a bit of tension, especially from the senior managers. Perhaps they hadn’t slept at a Holiday Inn Express last night. He pointed out my windowless office across from his.

"We have a 10 a.m. all-company meeting in the cafeteria," Deloris, Frank’s assistant chimed in as we passed her desk, between the two offices.

"Monday morning meetings are never good omens here at ComUNet. The last time we got together our CEO formally announced we’d now have to pay for soft drinks and snacks," Frank replied. "If he thinks I’m going to put up with any more concessions, he’s got another thing coming."

I entered my new office and dropped my satchel on the desk. The office was sparse and devoid of personality. It would take me weeks to properly adjust the Fen Shui. I had 30 minutes to waste until the "big meeting" so I decided to hop on the Net. I was halfway through a great article on The Onion when I heard Mike’s voice say, "Let’s go Mikey, it’s showtime."

I followed him to the cafeteria. It seemed that most if not all of the 150 employees were already in the room. Frank and I found a spot towards the back of the room. As I scanned the faces, my glace stopped dead on a face near the front.

"That’s the driver of the Mercedes up front," I told Mike in a low voice.

"Hot damn, he’s talking to the Rob, our CEO," Frank replied, shaking his head. "I guess he must be a consultant. We’re saved."

Conversations turned to dull murmurs as the CEO spoke up.

"Ladies and gentlemen of ComUNet," began the CEO. "Thank you for joining me this morning. I’d like to begin by telling you how proud I am of you all, and of what we’ve built together. You’ve all helped make my dream a reality, and I want you to know that I’m grateful. Some of you have voiced concern over the company’s stability in this time of economic uncertainty. I’d like to tell you that you have nothing to worry about, but I’d be lying. The fact is, our financial backers and members of the board have pulled the plug. ComUNet is officially closing its doors until further notice as of noon today. To make the transition easier, I’ve brought in a consultant, Drew Gladstone, to help manage the transition. I’d like to ask that everyone file out of the door to my right, where you’ll be asked to review and sign a few papers and get your last paycheck. You’ll also have plenty of time to pack up your belongings. Please have your security cards ready to hand over when you leave. I’m sorry it’s worked out this way and I wish you all the best in your future pursuits."

I was surprised to find myself smiling. I was even more surprised to see Frank’s grin as well. He exchanged meaningful glances with the consultant now known as Drew.

"I’m going to kick his ass," Frank muttered under his breath, still maintaining his toothy grin. "I was going to be fully-vested next month."

No reason I should have been surprised this was going to happen. From what I’d heard and researched about the company, the financial situation was tenuous at best. I figured I’d have at least a month or two to get my bearings and meet a few recruiters at cocktail parties.

I followed the Lemmings through the doors and signed a few meaningless papers and headed back to my office to grab my satchel. When I entered the office, I noticed the PC was off. From the other room I could hear Frank yelling, "The bastards cut off the power!" Since I didn’t have anything to pack, I walked past his assistant Deloris, who was sobbing as she packed up her pictures and stuffed animals.

I entered Frank’s office just in time to see him pick the monitor up off his desk and hurl it through the window. Glass exploded everywhere. A deadly silence followed. I inched up to the empty window frame and looked out the window to see the monitor nestled in a crater on the hood of a car. Upon closer look, I was relieved to see it was a familiar Mercedes convertible.

"You have amazing aim," I said in a congratulatory tone. "I wonder if they’re going to take that out of your last paycheck."

"I was actually gunning for Rob’s car," Frank responded with some disappointment.

Frank decided to forgo a thorough packing job and long goodbyes for a quick and dirty exit, stage left. I followed him to his car. As we pulled out of our spot, Drew came running out of the building towards us. Frank gave him an appropriate gesture before laying rubber through the parking lot and onto the street.

"At least I wasn’t fired for being 10 minutes late," I said in Frank’s direction.

"That would have been easier to justify. No worries though, my friend Devon just started at Oracle two weeks ago, he said they’re hiring. I say we get together with him for lunch very soon," Frank said casually. "Recession Shmeesession, this is the land of opportunity!"

I hoped he was right. The moving truck was scheduled to arrive with my stuff the next day.