Aries - March 19-April 18
The Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is in going up your ass. Something you’ve been worried about will get easier, but keep trying — if not there’s always Viagra. New skills you learn in the next few days can increase your income — especially if you swallow.

Taurus - April 19-May 19
How many times do I have to tell you!!!! This shit isn’t real.

Gemini - May 20-June 19
Beware of your dominant hand — it may try to monopolize all the action. If you go to bed at night, you may wake up the next day. You may find yourself prone to chronic masturbation. It is entirely possible that you will talk to someone you know in the near future.

Cancer - June 20-July 21
You are an insignificant cog. Know your role and shut your mouth. One of your strong talents is walking. You will have an urge to experiment with infrared mice. You may find yourself prone to chronic masturbation.

Leo - July 22- Aug. 21
A bird in the hand makes it harder to bitch slap a friend. Look for opportunities where you have found them before. Or where you haven’t. Its time to learn a new skill - apply at your local McDonalds.

Virgo - Aug. 22-Sept. 21
Travel to a foreign land — less people will know that you are a useless piece of shit. You may find yourself prone to chronic masturbation. Do not let that high wall stop you — find a lower one or go back. Learn to read.

Libra - Sep. 22-Oct. 21
Try a new sport. Read: Get off your ass. People may perceive you as a dumb fuck if you say a lot of stupid shit (I know this personally). It is a good time to make a new friend. Or at least try not to alienate everyone you meet.

Scorpio - Oct. 22-Nov. 20
Your friends will appreciate your absence. Seek new opportunities. On second thought, don’t bother, you’d fail anyway. Better yet, seek sex. Ride a pony. Or rather, ride the pony.

Sagittarius - Nov. 21-Dec. 20
Now is no time to give up on your dreams — they are all you have left. Call your mom — maybe she’ll tell you she loves you this time. Keep dreaming, pal. You may find yourself prone to chronic masturbation. Do a favor for a friend — they’ll find it easier to ask next time.

Capricorn - Dec. 21-Jan. 19
In 1971 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, and no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… The A-Team.

Aquarius - Jan. 20-Feb. 18
A pisces may swim through your aquarius. Fish with your grandmother. Look for old things to do new ways. evaH flesrouy dekcehc rof aixelsyd. You may discover that you are heterosexual — not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Pisces - Feb. 19-March 18
Make love to someone beautiful. If someone asks you to write some fake horoscopes (that seems a little redundant, no?), decline. If they insist, agree to do so only if they promise not to use your real name because its best to keep to a minimum the number of people who think you’re a totally schizophrenic asshole. You may find yourself prone to chronic masturbation. Now where did I put that lithium.