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The follow is an open letter to potential mates from an upwardly mobile female PR professional, seen on a dating Web site near you. Dear Sir, I wanted to query your interest in participating in a potential merger designed to evaluate a more effective and satisfactory emotional experience for all parties involved. The pooling of interests should be announced on either Tuesday or Wednesday of this week in anticipation of a Saturday evening deadline. The estimated valuation (at a conservative level) is at above extreme gratification and amusement (with extensive emotional fulfillment options available) should all parties come to quick agreement. The event would be scheduled to commence at 8:00 PM at the inquiring party's front doorstep and end no later than 1:30 AM the following day (barring unforeseen events to compromise this recommended schedule).
The emerging e-relationship industry is sensing the increasing difficulty in finding qualified personnel for relationship ventures, and private parties see the necessity of getting creative. According to Forrester Research, independent entities will increasingly use outside merging tactics to fulfill their personal staffing and entertainment requirements, as well as to find qualified partners for offline ventures (including dining, dancing, movies and general entertainment.) By 2005, Forrester predicts that $4 billion will be spent to advertise personal product availability, while revenues from online assessment, in-house training and frog-kissing will top $2 billion. The market research firm predicts that female resource applications will generate $1 billion in revenue if the male market continues its downward spiral and ebbing attentiveness. It adds that corporate recruiters (mothers, married co-workers and girlfriends) plan to increase aggressive e-relationship networking by 52 percent in the next four years, while cutting spending on traditional media advertising and recruitment agencies (dating services) by 31 percent. As for the potential merging of these two private entities, I promise that its high value lies in an interesting corporate history and enormous growth potential. Without going into detail in your inbox, I think this consolidation potential will interest you -- especially considering the current market flux and trembling state of many e-relationships today. Please let me know if you are interested in gathering information prior to the release of an announcement concerning the status of this new partnership inquiry. If you feel more information is required, I can easily be reached at any time at 503-555-0842 (m) or 503-555-6222 (v). Take care and looking forward to hearing from you. Best, |
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The
inquiring company is a leading privately-owned feminine consulting
agent. We view you, the potential partner, as an extremely volatile,
but highly sought-after, male personality commodity with high potential
for explosive growth and reach. The merger, should it occur, will
provide an instant and unilateral platform to expand both companys'
reach into natural vertical markets -- friendship, satisfaction
and companionship. Friendship and Satisfaction is currently a $100
billion industry ($2.5 trillion if emotional attachment/companionship
is included). Upon discussion of a temporary merger within the next
1 to 2 weeks, the pending outcome announcement will then detail
either a unique e-relationship expansion strategy or the onset of
a potential conflicting and competitive split between two otherwise
communicative and complimentary corporations. 
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