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Gemini
- May 20-June 19
You're really walking the fence this month, my friend (hint: take
the "r" out of "friend," and you've got a fiend.)
During no other time are you so torn between the weak and the strong,
the good and the evil, the noisy and the quiet of that dual entity
that is you. So enjoy it! Now is the time to pull out those leopard
skin panties that your roommate/significant other doesn't know about,
and wear them to work - outside your pants. Just wear something
mundane like khakis underneath, so as not to totally disturb your
milder half. You're coming into your most powerful time of the year,
so gear up, take a breath, and pick which side of that fence you
want to be on tomorrow. It's a daily choice you must make. But don't
worry, you're cool, baby. Sometimes.
Cancer
- June 20-July 21
The word of the day is empathy. In order to really have empathy
for someone, you must feel what they feel, live how they live. So
whoever it is you are dealing with today, walk a mile in their shoes,
but spray them with Lysol before you give them back. It's the little
gestures that mean so much, and also may keep them from calling
the police.
Leo
- July 22- Aug. 21
Be kind to the little people who helped you become what you are
today. Your life is the product of your own dreams and desires,
and the opportunities afforded by others. Take time to reflect upon
this...if your life is not what you had hoped, it is ALL THEIR FAULT!
Let the beatings begin!
Virgo
- Aug. 22-Sept. 21
You will be 45 minutes late to work because you found a spot on
your trousers and had to get it out, because they are your lucky
pants, and today feels like an very important day, and we must remain
fastidious about cleanliness. Meanwhile, the slob in the next cube
is getting your promotion, because him and his coffee stains showed
up 15 minutes early!!
Libra
- Sep. 22-Oct. 21
Today is the day to stay home. Don't go anywhere. Your moon and
planets are not aligned, so therefore you are not aligned. However,
I did hear that Libras do have perfectly symmetrical butts, so maybe
your moon is aligned.
Scorpio
- Oct. 22-Nov. 20
Spring is a wonderful time of year. Unless you're a Scorpio. As
you meet and greet those around you, remember one thing. The sun
shines hotly on those who burn. Think about that. Remember it as
you twist and turn under the scorching glare of those around you.
It's not you who they're looking at, it's the stuff that's all OVER
you. What the hell is it? It looks like mustard! It's moving! Agh!
Agh! Get it off!!!
Sagittarius
- Nov. 21-Dec. 20
Time to see the sports therapist because you have been too athletic!
Just because you have a need to be physical, don't! Please! Sit
on your butt and watch some TV! Give your body the rest that it
needs. Apologize to your body, have a McDonald's Big Mac.
Capricorn
- Dec. 21-Jan. 19
People around you show recognition for how special you are. Keep
a low profile and avoid anybody wearing a white coat: they want
to "help" special people like yourself. Just because you
choose to swim naked in the fountain at lunchtime does not mean
you are crazy! But you really need to put your clothes back before
the staff meeting.
Aquarius
- Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Watch for falling pianos. Someone who works at a fast-food restaurant
is harboring resentments against you. Home-cooking is advised. See
a specialist about your "personal problem". It IS contagious.
Anti-biotics will not help, try a natural remedy: go for a walk
in the woods, and rub your affected area on a patch of sacred clover.
Be watchful for park rangers.
Pisces
- Feb. 19-March 18
Pisces, you have no horrorscope today, because I have no insight
in regards to your astrological future. Why? Well, it may have something
to do with the fact that this astrologer is married to an Pisces
man........and I try to pay as little attention as possible to that
man who: (1) lives in my house and (2) refers to himself as my husband!
Personally, I refer to him as my first husband. (We're still married
- get the joke? Because he doesn't!)
Aries
- March 19-April 18
Aries: Use your Aries stoic reserves and keep a stony face because
today, everyone, including your spouse and child will mock you relentlessly!
Aries are widely known to be penny-wise, so take your stingy ass
down to K-Mart, and buy yourself some Haine's briefs, they are having
a blue light special! And by the way, how many time have you balanced
the checkbook today? Better go do it again.
Taurus
- April 19-May 19
Today is the day to shake up your world! Challenge the same old
same old. Move your stapler to the right, and your pens and pencils
to the left! Go to Denny's and eat breakfast for dinner! Drive someone
else's car out of the parking lot!
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