Anvil - The free ezine and newsletter providing new and unusual perspectives on lifestyle issues shaping today's culture














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Current Issue: JUNE 2000

In the Presence of Jeff
by Jeff Gores

Here I am reading request upon request asking me what exactly I do during the day. This brings a smile to my face knowing that I am so cool to everybody that they all must know what exactly Jeff does with his precious time. Wait a minute... maybe they want to know because everybody thinks I am a lazy sack of shit. Well I will show them. The following has been filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Actually the following is a true account of a day in the life of Jeff.

With my trusty Intel PC Camera, you too can take a ride on the Train of Love... I mean the Jeff Express. The first activity of the day is to gingerly sip my morning cup of exasperation, coffee. Since I am a multi-tasker, not only can I pound the java, I am also able to read and answer e-mail from my loyal followers. Wait. What is this? This is not my inbox... "Dear Love Stud, your credit card number is invalid." That’s a bunch of crap; I just checked it the other day.
Wow! That is some good coffee"

Anyway, after e-mail, I usually stroll on down to my local church and pay a visit to God. It’s always nice to be able to converse with someone who can relate to you. This usually takes up about an hour of my time, but it helps me face the rest of the day with that angel-like glow you notice radiating from me. It also puts me at lunchtime.

Usually for lunch I pick up my lady friend, and head out for some tasty meat. You can’t beat a five dollar steak with live entertainment.

After lunch I hit the gym and hang out with my fellow body builders. This is the best way to let off the stress that a hectic day brings on. Plus I get euphoric when I put my tight, purple spandex shorts on, and my muscles get all pumped up. Ooh yeah, baby.

"Her name is Gina, but I like to call her 80’s Barbie"

Working out puts me at about the hour of 3:00. Only one hour left to accomplish my remaining deliverables on radar for the day. Time to start a crackin’.

At this point I have my secretary, Hallie, fetch me some water and I start downloading a whole butt load of MP3s. I will let you in on a little secret. There is a program called Napster and it allows you to download free music. Don’t tell
anybody though.
"I’m too damn hot in gym clothes to be seen in Anvil."

Wadda ya know, it is 4:00pm. You know what that means boys and girls? Yes, you are correct Jimmy... HAPPY HOUR! My day is done here, and now it’s time to drink and relax from the day’s stress that has been heaped upon me.

Now aren’t you glad I own an Intel PC Camera, because without it none of you would have been able to see all of the tasks that I am required to accomplish at work. So for all of you that think I sit on my ass all day, take that! I showed you. Well I gotta motor. There’s a Vodka Tonic (a weak one, I might add) calling my name at Paddy’s.