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Five Reasons Not to Move to Portland
By Kent Lewis
Portland has been in the news a good amount the past few months, and; very little of it favorable. From terrorist sympathizers to political sex scandals, we've got headline makers in spades. Unfortunately, that is only part of the story. If you were ever considering moving to Portland, there are actually quite a few reasons not to choose Portland, the Rose City. I've outlined five of the most obvious for those of you considering a change of venue.
Weather
The nickname Rain City would be more apt for Portland. With an annual average rainfall of 36.3 inches per year, we get enough of the wet stuff to keep the grass growing, which sucks unless you like mowing lawns all spring and fall (it dies in the summer unless you water it, due to the lack of rain). While we get less rainfall than Atlanta and or Houston, we don't get the benefit of variety: no sweltering heat, no blistering cold, or and no tornados for that matter. Snow only sticks for a week a year, at the very most, which is nothing compared to the months on end New Englanders get to enjoy.
Geography
The City of Roses is a deathtrap, in case nobody told you. With three active volcanoes less than 100 miles away, and the nation's only active volcano within city limits, Portland is likely the next Pompeii. That doesn't even factor in the fault line we're sitting directly over. I have to say there is three words: 10.5, the miniseries. If the fear of the next big one doesn't shake your resolve, then consider that we have one of the nation's most polluted rivers, right in our front yard. In fact, you have to drive more than an hour to get to the ocean to swim in relatively clean, yet bitterly cold, water. I'm not even going to talk about the 7 seven bridges you have to cross on a daily basis just to motor around.
Environmentalism
What is it with these hippies? Back in the seventies, some uppity mayor revitalized downtown with the Pioneer Courthouse Square, one of the nation's most successful urban venues. That's great news if you like free concerts, but not so much if you crave urban "alone time." Let's not forget the Tri-Met light rail project also developed during that era, which effectively allows bums to ride freely within the downtown corridor to panhandle and buy drugs. And good luck trying to battle the walkers, runners and bikers vying for a piece of pathway at the nation's largest inner-city park. To add insult to injury, those same environmentally -conscious city planners have created urban growth boundaries that virtually assure property values remain high.
Mayberry Complex
Portland is by far the biggest small town in the country. I came to this the city town in 1995 and I feel like I'm now no more than two degrees of separation from anyone else. The problem is that you simply cannot burn bridges in this town (and not because there are even with there being so many to choose from). I've seen former associates all but run out of town after screwing over one too many people, which is just not fair. Even with large companies like Nike, Columbia Sportswear, Intel and HP in town, Portland is better known for having the most strip bars per capita and being the number one market for Pabst Blue Ribbon. The Pearl District and Brewery Blocks developments and new concept bars in town are just paying homage to real cities like L.A. and New York, yet without all the snooty pretension you'd you've come to expect.
Social Proof
I've never been to a city that has so few local residents. Everyone seems to be from out of town. Who wants to live in a city where even the locals don't stick around? In fact, Men's Journal announced in a recent issue that Portland was selected as the "second best big city to live in." We came in second to San Diego, where house prices are nearly twice as high but at least the skies aren't much sunnier and labor is more affordable. The fact that Hollywood makes movies here on a regular basis is probably because we have such a high unemployment rate, not because of the scenery or talent.
I could keep on going, but this should give you enough validation to keep that studio apartment in San Francisco or New York City. As far as I'm concerned, I'm ready to move the second I feel an eruption or earthquake coming. I'm not going to wait around, nosireebob.
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