Freak Talks About Sex

When I think of Steve Zahn, I don't think of a great actor. When I think of Steve Zahn, I don't even think of him as a great comedic actor.

No, instead, I tend to think of Steve Zahn in much deeper, cosmic, even philanthropic terms. For me, Steve Zahn, holds the secret knowledge of women that all men crave for. He's the one person that you go to for any kind of love advice. Very few have a way with the female gender like this man. And still fewer have even a cursory knowledge of what women are about, like Mr. Zahn. I hold this man in the same regard as I would, say, God, if I were ever lucky enough to meet him or her.

Now I know what you're thinking. That I'm being stupendously ridiculous and that I've got nothing to back up this statement of Love and Admiration for an actor who has never and may never carry a film under his own power.

I believe that the rock group KISS was talking about this type of guy when they penned their opus to the great philanderers of the world, 'Calling Dr. Love'. Yeah, they pretty much call this guy the Doctor of Love. Fuckin' Gene Simmons would bow to this guy. And we all know about Gene Simmons' love nestings. Simmons can't hold a Love Gun to Steve Zahn. Wait, Simmons has that God-like tongue that makes women quiver at the mere mention of it. Okay, scratch the comparisons to Simmons.

But you're getting nearer to my Point.

Which is... that no one knows about love, sex and relationships like Steve Zahn.

I point to little-known indie flick, "Freak Talks About Sex" or "Blowin' Smoke", as it's also listed as. But, from here on in, let's refer to this epic piece of filmmaking as "Freak Talks About Sex". It's really much more appropriate.

As you might have guessed, Freak is the character portrayed by Steve Zahn. However, I like to think that Freak is Steve Zahn. Anyway, he plays the best friend, of indie-vet Josh Hamilton's, character, Keenan, a disgruntled college graduate who can't seem to get over being dumped by his girlfriend two years prior and therefore is mired in a job at a mall and hanging out in his apartment with all curtains drawn.

Freak likes to wear cut-off jean shorts and tie-dies. The kind that Daisy Duke was once proud of. He doesn't bath. He yells profane things at passers-by. He doesn't work. In fact, he lives with his Mom. He says things like, "Drink your beer, pussy", to his best friend. He smokes endless amounts of pot, contemplates sexual positions and tells Wicked, Dirty jokes. And in the end, he still gets laid.

See what I'm sayin' here? This guy's a friggin' Don Juan.

Whatever. My proof is in the first lines spoken by Freak in the movie. He interrupts Keenan's flirting with a young high schooler who he works with at the mall.

* the following is an attempt at constructing a screenplay by the writer of this article and NOT the writer of screenplay. Why the writer of said article didn't just look this shit up on the internet is beyond even the editors of Anvil. Just think of this as a re-make. You know, kinda like what they did with "The Longest Yard". Only, thankfully, there's no Adam Sandler around here. Jesus, no.

INT. MALL - DAY
Typical mall crowd in a typical mall. Keenan, a salesman in his mid to late-20s stands talking to an attractive young high school girl. Freak, the tie-dye and Daisy Dukes wearin' friend, comes up behind Keenan and directs all of his attention to the young girl.

FREAK

Okay, this is the weirdest thing. Last night you were
in my dream. Whoah.

GIRL

What were we doing?

FREAK
(obviously)

Whaddya think we were doing? It was really good
and I just wanted to come by and thank you. I swear
to God, I was gonna call you last night but I didn't
have your number. But I was wonderin' tonight if we
could get together and just have sex.

This young and innocent high school band geek is very surprised by this comment.

GIRL
(slightly confused, but also slightly bemused)

Can I bring my boyfriend?

FREAK

It's gonna be like that, huh? Yeah, okay, if he's into it.
Keenan could come too, he could film it. Can you do a
split?

GIRL

Anyway, I'm working tonight.

She starts to leave.

FREAK

Nicole, I'm always here for you. You know that.

She exits and Freak turns to Keenan.

FREAK

Don't you just wanna eat her up?

KEENAN
(incredulous)

She's seventeen.

FREAK

Well, you know what they say. If there's grass on the knoll...

END OF SCENE

I mean, that's a gorgeous little moment, right? I mean, tell me you haven't wanted to hit on that hot, young little Mr. Pretzel employee at the mall? Exactly. We all do. Only he does it. And with the kind of panache and flair to rival Errol Flynn.

Or there's the moment when he hits on the waitress at the local tavern with one, single monumental line, "Finger in your butt?" Damn it. I've always wanted to greet a woman like that. I just never had the nerve, wit or charm to pull it off.

Or there's the granddaddy Theory on Women of all time. It's the kind of feel-good uplifting, enlightening moment that most filmmakers have wet-filmic dreams about.

FREAK

I used to think that the most degrading thing that you
could do to a woman was fuckin' her up the ass. But,
it's definitely tit-fucking.

KEENAN

Pardon?

FREAK

Tit fucking is the ultimate expression of power in any given
relationship.

KEENAN

Why?

FREAK

Cuz that's where all the power lies.

KEENAN

Where?

FREAK

In tit fucking!

KEENAN

Why?

FREAK

Look, you fuck a girl up the ass, that's a pretty major
deal, right? I mean, that's a hard subject to even bring up.
I mean, just asking. I mean, 'Hey can I fuck ya up the ass?'
I mean, that sounds fairly disgusting, right? So, if she says
yes, that's pretty strange, right? Because it's gotta hurt.
Right, I mean, it has to hurt.

KEENAN

Sure.

FREAK

So, if she says fine, then you hold all the power in the
relationship.

And there's more...

FREAK

Plus, if you're goin' out with someone for a year, you've
got a lot more to lose. I mean, she's either gonna be into
it or you're in trouble because she's always gonna remember
you asked. I mean, you're better off doin' it right off the bat
before you meet her parents or anything.

KEENAN

But when you do meet her parents you're gonna be like, "Hey,
hi, I'm Dave. I've had your daughter up the ass."

FREAK

Uh huh, yeah, you see you'd have that in common. You'd have
that weird sex-thing happening. You just gotta get over that first
hirdle.

KEENAN

But if you had a weird sex-thing happening that would mean
that she's into it.

FREAK

Right. Exactly. Which is why tit fucking is the most degrading
thing that you could do. Look, she's flat on her back. You know,
you're workin' it, she's maybe holdin' her tits together, but... she can't
be enjoyin' it, right? (motions with his hand on his chest) I mean, she's probably moanin' and shit because she'd feel like an idiot just lyin'
there. And then you... cum in her face. I mean, that is disgusting.

And you know, what? By God, if the man ain't dead-on. Chicks, like, totally do that, you know? Sometimes you have to even ask them to smush them together. They certainly don't always offer that shit up.

And really, never have truer words been spoken about the power dynamics between a man and a woman.

Even Freak's theme song is perfection. "I need a girl... to touch me in places I usually touch myyy-self. She'll be smart and she'll be pretty, but I probably won't find her in this stupid city. I need a girl..." The group is Wrench, a power-pop trio, from Buffalo, New York. I don't necessarily care for the implication that there aren't any do-able chicks in Buffalo, but whatever, it's a kick-ass song.

But, really, you should discover these things yourself. Get enlightened to the Tao of Steve Zahn. I promise, you'll never misunderstand or be puzzled by the opposite sex again.

So head down to your video store today. And remember, there're two titles to look under. "Freak Talks About Sex" and "Blowin' Smoke". I keep looking for it under, "Fucking Mary Jane", but I'm no doubt looking in the wrong section of the store.

And lastly, it should be noted, that I now own my own sweeeet Freak shorts. Cut'em up real high on the leg too. Crotch is nice and tight. I'm smokin' bongs and telling fantastic jokes about how hairy French women are.

And I'm lookin' to get some.