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Cancer
- June 20-July 21
Nothing good can come of leaving your house this week. Avoid contact
with all other human beings, save the pizza delivery person. Don’t
even call work to explain why you aren’t coming in! Let the pizza
guy give your boss a large pepperoni, along with a note explaining
that you have been kidnapped by a band of suburban terrorists, and
they probably won’t let you go till next Sunday night. Turn all
the lights off in your house and hide in the basement. Unless you
can’t get cable in the basement, then you might as well go to work!
Leo
- July 22- Aug. 21
Ploys to get more attention are successful. Consider quitting your
day-job, soon that web-cam in your bedroom will earn you double
your current salary. Helpful hint: pajama top: cute, pajama bottoms:
boring, pillow-fight w/best friend: hot!
Virgo
- Aug. 22-Sept. 21
Negative energy swirling around your workplace must be re-channeled
into something positive in order for you to get a raise. The ancient
art of Feng-Poo can achieve this most quickly. A hybrid of Feng-Shui
(the strategic placement of furniture) and Poo-Poo Therapy (an Aboriginal
method of chakra cleansing using animal dung), Feng-Poo requires
you to turn all furniture your boss has touched in the last 24 hours
upside down, and burn dried animal dung at his doorway. Helpful
tip: the bigger raise you want, the bigger the animal should be
that the dung is from. Got your eye on a sweet v-8? Use horse-dung.
Libra
- Sep. 22-Oct. 21
It’s time to make a professional change. 9 to 5’ers, quit your day
job. Go apply for work at your local café. Serve mochas with
a surly attitude. Wear black lipstick to work and stay up until
3am reading all the lyrics to every CD you have ever bought. When
you get tired of that, carve your name into your arm with a Swiss
army knife (not too deep, you don’t want people to think your weird!).
Show your café co-workers your new body art. It’s a bonding
thing.
Scorpio
- Oct. 22-Nov. 20
It’s summer! So why are you still acting like a jackass? Get outside,
ride a bike or meet some people. Yellow is your lucky color, as
long as it’s not a tube top or Speedo swimsuit. Careful with your
cash, those new gold dollars are going to break your teeth if you
think they’re chocolate.
Sagittarius
- Nov. 21-Dec. 20
A co-worker confides in you how they really feel about things. Be
respectful of their privacy. Throw out the secret tapes you have
made as they droned on and on about what an ass your boss is. It
won’t advance your career any to expose them, and bad karma makes
you ugly. If you don’t believe it, go look at a picture of Linda
Tripp. Even after the makeover, little children scream and run when
they see her. And she used to look like Farrah Fawcett in her younger
years!
Capricorn
- Dec. 21-Jan. 19
See Sagittarius, you’re unoriginal this month.
Aquarius
- Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Suddenly, painting, classical music and lace doilies are a big part
of your life. Either you’re getting old or you’re watching too much
Antique Roadshow. Take grandma’s old pie tin collect in for appraisal,
could pay for a month-long vacation in Greece.
Pisces
- Feb. 19-March 18
Stop questioning those around you. It’s not a conspiracy, so far
as you know. Wait a minute, that guy has been driving behind you
in the old Chevy for 15 minutes now. And what was up with that heaving
breathing on the phone late last night. Never mind, it’s Dad.
Aries
- March 19-April 18
Relationships with close family members may be strained. It’s not
that they don’t love you, but you’ve got to take better care of
yourself. As in: hygiene. As in: you smell, you have halitosis,
you’re B.O. is riper than week-old roadkill in August, and your
foot odor could kill a skunk. So if you want to feel closer to your
family, take a shower - and running through the sprinklers doesn’t
count! - use hot water, soap, and if it has sweat glands, wash it
twice!
Taurus
- April 19-May 19
Well, well, well. Today you receive just desserts. When you serve
yourself last, don’t be surprise that there isn’t anything left.
Be selfish when you visit the Country Buffet, push people out of
line, be number one! You go get that free mushy soft serve ice cream.
Gemini
- May 20-June 19
It’s time to start planning your funeral. Once you get started,
time will fly by and before you know it, you will be dead. Don’t
forget to let your friends know where you would like the ashes dumped.
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