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You say you want a revolution?
It ain’t the internet.
by David Waters

These days, a lot of very intelligent people are spending a lot of time raving about and hyping the ’revolution’ of the Internet. Many are even comparing it to a technological doomsday advance. Is its rapid infiltration of nearly every aspect of our lives a boon to mankind, or is it so insidious and invasive of personal privacy that it is destined to bring about social anarchy and lead our species to cataclysmic extinction? Perhaps it will engender a fate even worse than death, with human beings laboring as hypnotized slaves for emotionless, superintelligent machines, like at Microsoft.

As with nearly all things in life, the answer lies between the extremes. The Internet, viewed as a far-reaching social and economic movement, is no better or worse than any other human endeavor. World War II killed millions, granted, but it also spurred technological innovation, finally ended the Great Depression, and netted Swiss bankers some very cool cars. The Internet is likewise doing great things, financial and otherwise, even some things you might call amazing, but is it really the communication and economic revolution pundits keep yammering about? I think not.

The wheel. The discovery of agriculture. The transistor. Those were technological revolutions. They benefited the entire race and altered the course of human history. The Internet allows you to order cheesecake from your office desk. Hey, couldn’t I do that with the telephone? And what is the Internet, really? Boiled down, it’s just a telephone with a visual interface. It’s a QuickieMart for information that can still be found in most libraries, or for ordering stuff you can get more quickly and cheaper at your local store.

For all its e-everything multifunctionalism, the Internet is simply a collection of capabilities that have long been in place. You can order stuff (like on the phone), send messages to friends (like in the mail), and get any kind of pornography or battery-operated fun toy that your libido desires (like in Amsterdam). It enables us to do things a little better in some cases, a lot worse in others, it just aims to do it all faster. But when you hear of a new toaster that browns in half the time, do you call it a revolution in toast? I’m reminded of the psychotic that Ben Stiller gave a ride to in the film "Something About Mary". His novel idea was a workout tape for six-minute abs, compared to the seven minute ab videos currently on the market ("and if you’re not satisfied, we’ll send you the extra minute…for free!"). He thought his idea was a revolution in workout videos, when it was really just saving some time. Faster is often better, but saving time in itself is not groundbreaking.

On TV, only that damn taco dog annoys me more than the endless parade of commercials with symphonic music and a sophomoric voice-over telling me how "the Internet is changing the world…" Perhaps, but it’s still no fun picking through garbage piles in a slum outside Mexico City. Give a starving third world farmer an Internet connection and his family still goes hungry each night. They just get to share the experience with other starving people around the world in the "Hungry Folks" chat room.

Ok, ok, so a lot of people are selling things online and making wads of money in the process. But how much of e-commerce is just hype? The Nasdaq hiccups aren’t due to technology suddenly not being valuable, but because far too many Internet companies either can’t convince people to shop online or don’t sell much of anything at all. Thousands and thousands of e-tailors will be spending their last venture capital dollar on Chapter 7 filings because they failed to make the leap of insight that, wonder of wonders, most people still prefer trying clothes on before buying them. Some Internet retail sites will survive and may actually begin making a profit, but what’s the big deal? Ordering goods by remote was an old idea when your grandfather was first pooping his britches. He may be doing the same these days. Ordering from home was a revolutionary idea back in the 1800’s. It was called a catalog, and it probably got the goods to your door twice as effectively as the so called e-tailers did last Christmas.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the Internet. It has made life a bit more convenient for those of us lucky enough to live outside the Third World, and is a boon for professionals such as myself who conduct research and communicate for a living. Business to business potential is growing, it’s helped people connect with one another, but please, spare me any more e-hype. The actual number of people who shop online for anything other than a Russian bride is still marginal. Half the population doesn’t use the web for anything more than email and chat rooms. Who ’surfs the web’ anymore? No-one. And why? Because most web sites on the Internet, dare I say it, are full of completely worthless crap.

No, we’re not talkin’ about a revolution when we talk about the Internet. It’s a very cool idea which has taken basic modern services already in place and sped them up. Hopefully with DSL, advances in data compression and the like, it will be speeding things up even more. But unlike true revolutionary human advances, it’s all about e-hype at this point. The potential of the Internet is still largely that: potential. Outside of a few porn addicts, some dot.com millionaires, and the occasional idiot who’s learning how to assemble butane bombs or save money by doing home surgery, few of us have had our lives radically altered by the Internet. Still, I’m open to someone changing my mind, and it just might happen in an Internet chat room. The Net is still young, still growing, and who knows, it just might live up to the hype, and if it does, its current status as a ’revolution’ may be validated by sociologists and historians of the future.

In the meantime, I’m going to leave work tonight to hit the video store for a DVD, will visit the library to get a book for the weekend, but will also email a friend of mine in Finland, because I could never afford to call her. And you know, it’s gonna be alright.