Miss O’s Rating: Full Chubby

Let me confess up front that I’m a sucker for nasty elf sex. Always have been. Give me a buffet of amped up sprites ready to their get their freak on and I’ll get in line for seconds! Woop woop! And to those of you out there like me, I’ll tell you this: LOC has more horned elves than Santa’s village after an episode of "V.I.P."! Mix in well-hung wizards, naughty nobbits (no hobbits here!), and a queen that’ll make your staff point north, and you’ve got a party!

This fanny spanker gets off to a hot start. We meet our hero, Furry Bottoms (played by handsomely equipped newcummer Jack Spanker) in his cave, where he’s enjoying a local maiden’s porridge, if you know what I mean. We watch breathless as he visits her Middle Earth, and then takes his time traveling around her Lower Earth.

Before long, more maidens arrive and off come the pelts and on goes the magical Ring of Erecton, and they find more positions than a troupe in Cirque de Soleil! And as the song says, Furry soon has five maids a-milking! It’s got to be one of the sexiest cave scenes since Butch Assidy and the Bumdance Kid.

Then the wizard, Getoff (played by the notorious Phil Laysheo) arrives and does some crazy stuff with his beard you just have to see to believe! He tells Furry he’s in danger. The evil Bitch-queen is coming for Furry’s magical ring and he must get away. (On a side note, as a woman, I can tell you I’ve often felt like bitch queen myself when my man hasn’t been able to do his job in the cave.)

So Furry takes the ring and escapes to the forest, with the Bitch-queen (played deliciously by Honey Suckle from the Die Hard-On movies) hot on his tail, or is that hot after his tail? If you don’t have a magical ring of your own and lose your grip at this point (wink, wink), you’ll miss things really heating up!

Furry travels through the forest and is forced to take on all cummers, boffing every dwarf, elf, and troll to protect the ring and stay alive. In one especially tasty scene, he puts a new spin on the old expression "going trolling." You won’t believe your eyes! Think Royal Fork but different.

Meanwhile, the Bitch-queen is getting hungrier and hungrier. She chases Furry, wanting to get him in the bush, if you get my meaning. Along the way, she devours elves like Oprah does Krispy Kremes. When she finally catches our hero, Furry is so worn out he can’t fight her off. Reaching for the ring, she sees that some swords are way mightier than the pen. She wants him elf-style. So rather than kill him, she blows the life him back into him (wink, wink), and the two really put the magical Ring of Erecton to work! Hot!

Got a Bitch-queen at home? Lord of the Cockrings will do the trick, so she doesn’t have to!

Miss O.

Max Blade’s Rating: Droopy

I was so excited to see LOC! Ray/Ray productions and director Beau Nerr have taken the "if" out of "stiffy" for years now with nut-busters like Bridget on the River Guy and The Sixty-Ninth Sense. I drank jugs of Gatorade every day for a week, knowing all the fluid I’d lose when I watched it! I wore boxers two sizes too big to give me maneuvering room. Too make it easier afterwards, I planned to sit in a kiddie pool and watch it!

So imagine how pissed I was when Nerr rolled out this total weenie whacker! You tell me, what guy’s going to salute watching dwarves, elves and trolls making with the old thrust and grunt? And in a cave? Come on now. Which is what I was trying to do!

Hell, there are more animal pelts in this movie than Dances with Wolves, and the sex in that movie was better too! In fact, I think I’d rather see Kevin Costner taking it up the panhandle from a buffalo than the ménage a troll scene in LOC. It’s put me off link sausage ever since.

Anyway, I for one think you can only have three kinds of outfits in good porn: nurses, stewardesses or futuristic prison wardens. OK, maybe a cop will work, too, but that’s it. Certainly no shawls and no shoes with curled-up toes, and for dick’s sake, no long Rumpleforeskin beards! It was like watching one of America’s founding fathers get busy. And what a terrible oral address he gave!

But that’s not even the half of it (though my Johnson certainly was!). What good rump-humping there was in the movie was totally bunged up by the stupid story! If I wanted to see some great plot, I would’ve rented American Pie 2 or something. I watch porn for one reason and one reason alone: Show me the boney! That’s all you have to do. In fact, I’m suing Ray/Ray Productions for $3.99, because after watching this three hours(!) of cinematic salt-peter, I had to go back and re-rent Lawrence of Her Labia just to get to limp!

Beau, for your sake, my man, I hope your planned sequel, Two Towers, is not false advertising, because I've got to tell you, Lord of the Dance was hotter than Lord of the Cockring!

Max Blade