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Leo
- July 22- Aug. 21
This week is
your week to re-live childhood behaviors, such as sleep- overs,
pin the tail on the donkey and kissing classmates then running away.
The adult equivalent to this would be "hop in the sack with
a friend", "adult erotic games" (you are blind-folded,
you have to find "something"…) and as for kissing
co-workers and running away we don’t recommend that! Capricorns
are the best lovers for you so go with it…
Virgo - Aug. 22-Sept. 21
This month is your month to find a mate, you lazy ass… get
off your butt and cruise down to your local brew pub and find Rosy
the slack-jawed yokel (Cleatis the slack-jawed yokel’s sister).
So, Rosie is not your usual cup of tea, but she did have surgery
to alter her small bust, so sleep with her now! After the acting
lessons she will go on to be a big star on Baywatch - if you are
lucky she will get you a job on the set, babysitting Pamela Lee’s
kids.
Libra - Sep. 22-Oct. 21
This month is your month to think about the past and all the loves
of your life; what attracted you to them? Why didn’t it work out?
Is it that you are a selfish ass who thinks the world revolves around
you or is it that you are too easily impressed by tattoos and skate-boarding
tricks? Contemplate that for a while and be honest with yourself.
Reality bites, console yourself with a bottle of Te-kill-ya, and
call your ex’s when you are sloshed to tell them that you faked
your orgasms. Hang up before you invite them over to prove it.
Scorpio - Oct. 22-Nov. 20
A combination of a blue moon and Jupiter raises your sexual prowess.
This is the time to put on your little black outfit, do your hair,
and turn on the 24-hour porn channel. Make a few 900 phones calls,
pant, and then go to bed by yourself, you sexy thing. Since you
are being such a good little kitten, tomorrow night you can get
out of the house and stalk your ex; to hell with the restraining
order!
Sagittarius - Nov. 21-Dec. 20
In customary Sagittarius fashion, this month you must spread yourself
very thin. You have many places to be, people to see, and the only
way to do it all is to spend a maximum of 5 minutes on every task.
Quiet time with your lover will have to be replaced with a 5-minute
quickie. Yes, staff meetings are very important, but your boss is
going to have to understand that you really only have 5 minutes
for his presentation on ergonomic furniture. Don’t eat food that
requires a lot of chewing - you just don’t have the time!
Capricorn - Dec. 21-Jan. 19
The recent full moon has robbed Capricorn of all creativity and
motivation. Quickly, before you become too weak and stupid to pull
it off, go to the local graveyard, dig up a corpse, dress it in
your clothes, and park it in your cube. You can go home and sleep
in the tub for the next 2 weeks, and your corpse will do a better
job at work than you do.
Aquarius - Jan. 20-Feb. 18
You’re having a wild time these days. The Gemini Moon is trying
to make you fall in love. This turn of events is a complete surprise
to you, as the sheriff’s department has yet to deliver the restraining
order and the court date to you.
Pisces - Feb. 19-March 18
It’s been a stressful week for you. The best way to blow off steam
is to fake a temporary case of Turrets syndrome. This will give
you the opportunity to tell your co-workers what you really think
of them. There is a way to do this and still keep your job: it’s
called the Employee Assistance Program. Don’t forget, you can make
some easy cash by selling your meds to the parking lot guy.
Aries - March 19-April 18
Capricorn and Aries are made for each other physically; they have
the tendency to be great in "El sacko". Emotionally your
pairing is completely unstable and is capable of great violence,
this pairing is bound to show up on an episode of "Cops"
so stay cool and trust me - size does matter - so deal with "un
pepper poco" in a sensitive and caring manner. Regardless,
clean up the trailer so it looks good on TV.
Taurus - April 19-May 19
Your sentimentality is keeping you from gaining ground in your personal
growth. Quit being such an 80’s baby! Just because your phone call
to 107.5 telling them how great their station is actually got on
the on-air promo - doesn’t justify you keeping that stupid acid-wash
jacket with the "distressed" look. At least quit wearing
it to work. While you are at it, quit wearing blue liquid eyeliner
and mascara! Quit getting your hair layered, and throw out the super-size
can of Aqua-Net. Once you do these things, you will finally get
a date with Kenny, the copy guy. Promise.
Gemini - May 20-June 19
It’s time to abandon your current occupation and answer your true
calling: faith healing. Follow in the steps of that 13 year-old
kid in the white suit, what’s his name? Anyways, the important thing
to remember about faith healing is that the louder your scream,
the harder you slap their foreheads, the more times your shout "praaaaayyze
Jeee-zusssss!" the more money you will make. Oh, did you think
this was about helping people? Helping people is for Pisces, you
Gemini’s just need to retire early and quit infecting the corporate
job pool.
Cancer
- June 20-July 21
Your tendency to tell people how to run their lives will serve you
well this week, as your boss is going to suffer a complete emotional
breakdown, rendering him unable to run the company. Make him coffee
and give him lots of advice on how to increase employee productivity.
Plan your next offsite. It should be at the local Bath House, and
tell everybody to bring their own towel, but you don’t really need
a suit. (nudge-nudge, wink-wink!)
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