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Leo - July 22- Aug. 21
With
Gary trine Chandra, your possibilities for adventure are endless!
Take a long vacation and tell no one you’re leaving. Invest
your money wisely and aggressively - the prospect of a fat inheritance
may be the only incentive for your children to pretend to respect
you.
Virgo - Aug. 22-Sept. 21
Now is not the time to
let fear guide you. With Mars conjunct Uranus, you may feel intense
pressure bearing down on you. You may feel like you cannot breathe,
like you cannot resist. Hey, get used to life in the state pen,
boy! Sounds to me like Mars just made you his bitch.
Libra - Sep. 22-Oct. 21As
the Sun moves into the sign of the times, you will be filled with
a sense of overwhelming optimism! Your heart will race as feelings
of passion permeate your life! Love is in the air — seek out
your soul mate! Approach that attractive stranger with confidence!
What? Rejected again? That’s what you get for believing this
shit, Dumbass.
Scorpio - Oct. 22-Nov. 20
Scorpios
blow ponies. ‘Nuff said.
Sagittarius - Nov. 21-Dec. 20
Venus has moved parallel
to Gemini, leaving you out in the cold once again. But as a lowly
Sagittarius you are used to being shunned. You have come to accept
your role as society’s doormat. You bear your shame with the
last fiber of dignity in your inevitably neglected body. Fittingly,
Sagittarius is the most common astrological sign among crack whores.
Speaking of which, whatever happened to crack whores? They just
don’t get the attention from the press like they used to. Hmmm…
Capricorn - Dec. 21-Jan. 19
Humble, noble Capricorn. Loving spouse. Caring parent. Trusted friend.
Valiant leader. Hard worker. Upstanding member of the community.
Fuck off and die! (Hey, these are called HORRORscopes! If you want
to be stroked, grab a bottle of the aforementioned Astroglide and
get the fuck out of here!)
Aquarius
- Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Jupiter has moved into conflict with Neptune. As the 3rd
Moon
of Saturn rotates toward with the Sun, temper your emotions for
they will only bring you discomfort. Or it could just be your hemorrhoids
Pisces - Feb. 19-March 18
Sign
of the fish. Go swim up an Aquarius.
Aries - March 19-April 18
As the moon enters the iambic pentameter of Neptune, beware depraved
soccer moms and cramped back seats of minivans. Seek out the source
of your excessive pride and extinguish it… before someone kicks
the shit out of you.
Taurus - April 19-May 19
As
Leo penetrates Taurus in a retrograde orientation thoughts of Astroglide
loom prominently in your consciousness. Take care not to alleviate
all friction. Eradicate pesky interns who may blow your… cover.
Gemini - May 20-June 19
With Saturn in conflict
with the fourth metatarsal, pay heed to the possibility of humiliation.
Reach out to someone who needs your help. Grasp their hand reassuringly.
Then let go and laugh as they fall into a chasm of abject despair
and futility.
Cancer - June 20-July 21
With
Pluto in opposition to Goofy, time is of the essence - Act Now!
Speaking of Goofy, our intrepid leader, George W. is a cancer. Which,
by the way, also happens to be his astrological sign.
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