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SPAM Never Spoils
Are a new breed of junk emailers up to the same old tricks?
by Kent Lewis

A few weeks ago, I logged onto an old email account I’d used for online personal ads. I was greeted with a welcome back message informing me that my inbox now had anti-SPAM protection. I could feel the wave of excitement and relief course through my body.

When I recovered, I was able to view the messages in my inbox. I hadn’t used the account in over a year, so I didn’t expect much. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed at the 180 unread messages. My goodness I had a lot of friends.

I glanced over the names of the senders: sexn69@bigccrotch.com, 19nkiip@hotmail.com, bigfeet12@clownpenis.net, etc. No bells rang, no light bulbs illuminated. No love, just SPAM.

While the anti-SPAM filter didn’t seem to weed out the riff raff, my trusty internal BS-filter kicked into high gear. I’ve seen these messages, or ones like them so many times, I’ve mentally filtered them out and never actually spent a few minutes to see what there were all about. I decided now was as good a time as any.

The first thing I noticed as I reviewed the subject matter of the messages was the commonality of the grammar, punctuation and buzzwords. SPAM University hasn’t updated their curriculum in some time. The second thing I noticed was the variety of scams. Of the 180 messages in my inbox, there were at least 20 different categories, which is a bit of a departure from the days of "free sex" offers via Pine mail.

In the early and mid-nineties, you could expect a warm SPAM message with a subject line in ALL CAPS detailing some offer relating to sex, MLM schemes (work from home), healthcare products, site promotion or cheap email addresses. Nowadays, the schemes are more complicated and require more than just a fax response. These offers might include links to online gaming, credit cards, insurance, loans, mortgages, private investigators, government grants, diplomas, personal electronics and software.

It seems to me that SPAMMING, while less newsworthy and more transparent than in the past, has continued to evolve regardless. More advanced SPAMMERS employ tracking codes, HTML emails with graphics and realistic URLs and email addresses. However, I’m not impressed. They are making the same basic etiquette faux pas. I guess they never read my article, "Courting Customers Via Email."

Of all the messages I sifted through, I found a few of particular interest. The first SPAM that caught my attention for two reasons: Britney and Spears. The subject line did all the work, it was almost disappointing to open the email to read "Britney Spears Masturbating Live!... And Best of all its FREE!" Well, almost. I clicked on the URL and wasn’t surprised to find a dead link. She must have worn herself out working an audience that big.

The next message jumped out at me for opposite reasons: it had no subject, and came from someone I hoped was a long-lost friend, or perhaps a lonely stranger. She was neither of course. The email read, "Beautiful Ethiopian Women Seeking Men for Love, Marriage, Romance, Friendships and Penpals. Visit http:www.ethiopias-garden.com." How thoughtful! I could really use another penpal, perhaps one that understands little English. While I’m at it, I’ll pick me up a bride (the dishes are piling up).

The gem, however, was a message that actually offered something for nothing. It was titled, "You gotta check out these hilarious video clips!" as though it were from a close friend or coworker. Very clever indeed. I opened it, not expecting to actually find a link to anything other than an offer to purchase a Viagra by the pallet. What I found were three links to "hilarious" videos and two fairly humorous text-format jokes. Of course they were cleverly indented with ">" as if they’d been forwarded by a friend. Regardless, it was a refreshing change to get a laugh at no charge.

Through it all, I still have trouble believing anyone actually clicks on these messages. I would like to meet some of these people. I could probably find them at an Amway convention or 700 Club meeting. As long as these people keep responding, SPAMMERS will keep SPAMMING. Not much has changed in two years. I still prefer cybersex to the real thing.