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Top Ten: Ways to Maintain Your Rockstar Lifestyle While Collecting Unemployment
A few tips for the jobless but not hopeless
By Kent Lewis

10. Recycle. Get creative, invite friends over for a party and ask them to bring their favorite beers. Collect the empties and you’ve saved on next week’s groceries. To save on alcohol, kick them all out early because "you’re going to score" and savor the leftover spirits in your fridge.

9. Conserve. Bike, walk, run or skateboard rather than drive. Better yet, ask your parents for gas money, then hitch a ride to the liquor store to spend your loot.

8. Power shop. Always use your Safeway Club Card.

7. Pre-funk. Avoid pricey bar tabs by pounding your favorite affordable alcohol at home before heading out. Show up a little later, reducing the possible public consumption time. If you have to meet at a bar, offer to buy the "next" round, ideally it will never get around to you if you’re with a decent-sized crowd.

6. Eat for free, or almost free. Schedule your afternoon meals (especially weekends) around free samples at the store. Costco is ideal. If you have to eat out, only eat between 4 and 6 p.m. during happy hour.

5. Leverage friendships. Plow through your black book and start setting up dinners and functions at friends’ places. Hopefully they will supply the food or beer. Invite them to your place so they feel obligated to bring stuff.

4. Network. Head out to any and every professional and social organization/association event and enjoy the free food and drink. Make nice with the richest looking people and they may invite you to watch a Blazer’s game from their private box.

3. Ask Uncle Sam. Don’t stop at just collecting unemployment, go for the gold! Food stamps, federal grants and food banks are all ripe for the picking. Double or triple your take by creating false identities. Visit your local cemetery and research country birth records for starters.

2. Take a Tip. Since you’re already at Starbucks, you might as well dig into the tip jar and take what’s yours. It’s not like the baristas are going out of their way to brighten your day or shareholders aren’t getting their dividends. Create a distraction by spilling a hot latte on a friend’s lap and threaten to sue.

1. Insurance. Nothing pays better than insurance fraud. Get into an "accident" with a friend or unsuspecting bystander. Want to make the big score? Fake your own death. Works every time.

Disclaimer: The above recommendations are not endorsed by Anvil. We do not accept any responsibility for criminal or civil litigation resulting from actions directly or indirectly related to the above list. If you do find success with any of the above ideas, please let us know, however.