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Longish   "Doggie Style": An Interview with Wegman Photographic Assistant, Michael Lee    From Chimp to Chump and Back Again by Bingo Chimp An excerpt from the soon-to-be-released autobiography   Bus One Seven: Circa Circus by Roderick Armageddon Trying to figure out another word for "dictionary"?     Shortish   Homeland Security Mascot Concepts Branding our nation's newly established task force   Three-phase Felines Zach's Journal sheds light on his pets, or just plain sheds   Lists   Pet Peeves Readers speak out!   Out of Sites by Jeff Gores   Good web sites or good laughs? Find them both here.

Heavy Petting
by Kent Lewis

While we at Anvil prefer a good one-liner over robust political discourse, there comes a time when we feel the need to do our civic duty. I've decided that this is such a time.

Being a recent survivor of dog ownership, I've become aware of many challenges facing pets and their masters. Whether finding the ideal pet, caring for it, or giving it away, pet ownership provides a plethora of responsibilities and choices. I've outlined a few suggestions and resources that may make the difference in your life or that of an animal.

Finding The Ideal Pet

If you're looking for a dog or cat, think beyond the expensive purebred meat markets. Ask yourself how important those "papers" are to you. Consider adopting an animal from a local shelter or Humane Society. If you're still stuck on getting a purebred, there is likely an animal rescue group that specializes in your breed of interest. Keep in mind, breeding out diversity breeds out strength and resiliency to disease.

Pet Ownership

Having children doesn't automatically make you a good parent. The same is true for pets. Have you spayed or neutered your dog or cat? Unwanted animals are put down in shelters daily and you are contributing to the problem if you're not doing your part to help control the population. Sorry kids, Bob Barker was right on this one.

Make sure your animal is well fed, exercised and receives regular shots and checkups from the vet. Don't forget to brush your animal’s teeth regularly, or Fluffy’s dental bills for cleaning or extracting teeth will be much higher. And if I see your dog take a dump on any property but your own, and if you don't clean it up, expect a flaming present on your porch.

If you haven't already taken your dog through formal training, it's always a good idea. Human interaction with pets is proven to be therapeutic. If your pet is well mannered, consider volunteering them for visits to hospitals and elderly care centers. For more information, visit Yahoo! Pets.

Divesting

If, for whatever reason, you feel the need to get rid of pets, consider alternatives to the shelter, Humane Society and purebred rescue. Start with family, friends and coworkers. You could even take out a classified ad in the local newspaper. Treat your pet like a member of the family and you’ll see just how important it is to be sensitive when divesting your old pal.

Investing

Lastly, if you're considering raising animals for a living, think twice about breeding (check your area to see how many breeders there are in your area) and consider a more lucrative career in gambling. Greyhound racetracks can use the business, and you may just find your next pet there.

Profitable Pets

If you don’t think your own pet can make money, you’ve never seen any of Wegman’s photos of his pet Weimaraner. For more insight into this odd and booming business, check out the interview with photographic assistant Michael Lee.

Beyond photography, there are other ways to profit from your pets good looks or talent. Bingo Chimp is living proof of just such success. An excerpt from his autobiography "From Chimp to Chump and Back Again" offers a behind the scenes glimpse into the life of primate star.

Those looking for something truly different should tune into the continuing saga of Zach’s Icelandic adventures in "Three-phase Felines." The semi-sci-fi storyline may be seen on PBS soon, so get your fill before it becomes mainstream.

Dogs and doo-doo aside, Roderick Armageddon has a different bone to pick in this month’s Bus One Seven. Seems as if he’s got a pet peeve that’s playing hard to get. Who knows, it might just make you question your every word.

Generally, I don’t believe pets make the best mascots (i.e. Fighting Felines) but I will make an exception when it comes to the defense of the United States of America. In honor of our newly established Homeland Security task force, we’ve put together a short list of possible mascots. Feel free to send your additions. We’ll review them for a possible future update.

Don’t you hate it when… people say "don’t you hate it when?" If so, I think you’ll enjoy our list of pet peeves, as submitted by our own faithful readers. Contrary to popular demand, we’ve published them in reverse order. I hate when people do that.

While I’ve provided a few sites of interest concerning pets, Jeff Gores has pulled through once again providing an unabridged glimpse into some of the lesser-known pet-related Web sites. As always, enter at your own risk. If that doesn’t entertain, enlighten or offend, our gallery photos and cartoon are sure to do the trick.