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Hey
Kids! Terrorism sure is a scary subject and so is giving up your
civil liberties, so we at the Office of Homeland Security have created
some mascots to make you feel so much better about it all. After
all, a spoonful of sugar makes the coming police state go down nice
and easy!
Top
Five Mascots:
 Homey,
the Homeland Security Bear: Whether we're on beige
alert or maroon alert, Homey is always there for you, to open
your mail with his latex gloves and bioterror prevention mask,
to take a bullet with his Kevlar vest or just to keep you nice
and warm with his flaming Bill of Rights. Who needs years of
constantly fought for civil liberties when you can be warm and
snuggly in the arms of our anti-terror bear. He's fierce but
cuddly! |
 Snitchy
the Ratfink: Remember how your teacher always says,
"nobody likes a tattletale?" Well, she's wrong! Uncle Sam loves
a tattletale, and so do your friendly neighbors at the TIPS
program! Our new mascot Snitchy says, "Trust me, I heard it
from a reliable source!" |
 Punitive
Pig: This little piggy went to Cuba and made sure all
those detainees, not prisoners of war (since this is only a
war when it needs to be), squealed for him. Puny's the one to
call when suspects don't cooperate, but he's still plush and
cuddly for those of you who haven't done anything naughty. You
haven't done anything naughty lately, have you little Billy? |
 Terry
the Tattletale Tortoise: No potential terrorists can
hide from Terry! He'll search every garbage can, read every
credit card statement and subpoena every list of books checked
out from the library to make sure nobody with subversive ideas
lives on your block. Don't you want to help Terry, kids? Snap
on those rubber gloves, cause it's time to go hunting for clues
in your neighbors' garbage cans! It's just like a scavenger,
but even better! |
 Ellingsworth
the Eagle-Eyed Eagle: Ellingsworth loves his neighbors!
He loves them so much that he likes to watch out for them all
the time. He loves to keep track of where they go, who they
invite over and what they read, eat, buy and wear. Best of all,
he really, really loves his muslim and middle Eastern neighbors
and watches over them most closely of all. You should, too,
kids. |
Runners-Up:
- Narky
Neighbor — With excessive spare time, Narky puts all
senses to work sniffing out suspicious people. Best known for
dialing 9 then 1 and waiting for something to happen.
- Copious
Notes Canary — A prolific writer and singer, Copious
has the skinny on everyone.
- Prick,
the Vengeful Porcupine — A stickler for details, Prick
is more like a badger after a bad hair day. Al Queda best not
sit down on the job.
- Doris
the Doubtful Dove — A longtime symbol of peace, Doris
shrugs at Arafat and his band of cronies, who’ve found it
difficult to keep their cars clean recently.
- Angry
Uncle Sam — He’s been the nation’s mascot for
many years, and he’s not taking anymore bullshit. Get ready
for an old-fashioned ass kicking Mr. Terrorist.
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