What To Do When Rumors Are Started About You
By Tom Williams

"Dad, I'm in some trouble. There's been an accident and you're going to hear all sorts of things about me from now on. Terrible things."
Edward Kennedy

I haven't been in high school for a long time, but even here 15 years later rumors can swell about what he said and what she said back. Nowadays, I'm mostly faced with office rumors, but that's another story.

No, the real question is what to do when people start rumors about you, or even worse, your girl.

There are two basic schools of thought here, basically unrelated to whether or not you actually did it.

If it's not true

If it's not a true rumor, then you're in a reasonably strong position. Let loose the dogs of law and let the hallowed halls of justice do the dirty work.

Some people don't actually get this. Jeffery Archer, an English Peer of the Realm and trashy mystery novelist sued the Daily Star for libel in 1987 when they said he'd slept with an Irish prostitute. He won, but was subsequently arrested and put on trial for perjury after the court discovered not only had he fabricated his alibi, but also got the wrong date. He was found guilty and ended up being sent to prison.

This doesn't have to be a legal court or even a simulated court on day-time television: the street has justice, and eventually it (if not you at the time) will have its revenge on evil-doers.

Of course, there are those in the population who are just plain shifty, and no one believes them even when they are telling the truth. This can be very frustrating, and now that duels are no longer in vogue, there's not a lot one can do on the up-and-up to defend yourself against plausible yet untrue rumors. In fact you have to operate in exactly the same manner as those who are fending off rumors that actually are true…

If it is true

Not actually the worst case, but not as good as being innocent and believed. You did something you shouldn’t have done, one or more people know about it, and now two or more people are talking about it. What do you do?

For those with steely nerve, at least some sex appeal and a good head of hair, the best thing to do is not to merely admit it, but to shout it out. Do it big. Make it the right thing to do. Sneer at others who didn’t or won’t do it. Do it again with other people. Then let their names drop from your tongue with abandon and pride.

If you can get some specifics on what the accuser knows, you may have a chance of escape. Don’t deny what they know. They know, and they know they know. But they may not know all, and they certainly don't know why. Use that tiny grain of truth: create something positive, yet that still accounts for your nefarious actions. Keep it simple and stick to it, incorporating what they know at opportune moments without being obvious. If possible, incorporate something slightly embarrassing about yourself as this explains any previous furtiveness, but avoid specific names or institutions as these can be checked later. Best is if you can bring it up before they do.

Don't be grateful to them for believing you, and don't overdo the wounded hurt that their suspicions caused your sensitive soul.

The key to success is to avoid doing it again. No one ever forgets, even if they do occasionally give the benefit of the doubt.

When your girlfriend (or whatever gender you prefer) doesn't believe you

This is a toughie, because it doesn’t matter what you can prove, or even whether you did it or not: she is the judge, jury and executioner. There is no appeals court or procedural errors. Best thing is to stick it out and deny deny deny. If you admit, she will never trust you again. If you stick to your guns, she may have doubts about what she heard based on your subsequent exemplary behavior. Do not volunteer information and remain silent until faced with direct questioning.

If you can, find out who started the rumor and instigate a careful, yet relentless smear campaign through third (or even better fourth and fifth) parties. Physically hurting the rumor-monger is only useful if you can extract a written confession that the rumor was maliciously started. Be sure to include the motive behind the malicious act and the ever-important small print:

"I affirm this confession was not coerced in any way or influenced by the wounds I may or may not have recently received and I hold any damage imparted onto myself to be my own responsibility."

Finally,  remember that lying to cover up is often considered a more egregious crime than the original act. Weigh this carefully when deciding whether or not to go down the Grain of Truth route with someone you love. It may be best to keep silent, find out what she knows, and let her interpret your silence as she wishes, which may well be a different interpretation after a good night’s sleep. 

When you don't believe your girlfriend

Having a rumor that you don’t believe spread about your girlfriend can actually be a good thing. It can bring you together, two united against the world. She'll probably be good to you for a while and appreciate the support. Of course, she might be lying. Check your sources very carefully for ulterior motives, then if the rumor holds up, lay some traps. As with all these operations, let subtlety be your watchword. You accuse no one. You’ve heard nothing that you believe.

If it's talk of another man that's got you worried, drop the name casually while mentioning a new guy at work and gauge her reaction; leave a man's dirty sock halfway under the bed or in her car (if it's gone when you return, you'll know she thought it was his and has disposed of the evidence); consider the Scarface trick: have a friend call her cell phone from a place with super bad reception, and get a report on the names she guesses at through the static. Do NOT follow her, you'll only start reading guilt into anything she does. And she will be super cross if she finds out. And it's illegal.

If it's just about anything else, then tell her you heard this rumor, and that you got in a fight over it with some guy. Based on how guilty her reaction is, you can tell a) if she really did it, and b) whether she is worthy of forgiveness.

In the end

In summary, there's not much difference between lying for personal gain and valiantly defending yourself against malicious rumors. In both cases, it's all down to your personal credibility, which is built up over time, relationship by relationship. And if you ever start an untrue rumor, I hope it comes back and crushes you, because starting rumors is mean.