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Virgo
- Aug. 22-Sept. 21
Take a walk on the wild side. Go buy those red leather pants! Something
you seek is seeking you, they just don’t know it until they see
how nice your tushy looks in red leather. High heels will help your
cause. Beware of blue mascara - you could easily loose your target
by getting carried away at the Rite Aid make-up department. Ladies,
feel free to do this as well!
Libra
- Sep. 22-Oct. 21
A much-needed change in career path is looming in your future soon.
Such a nice body and total lack of morals is pointing you towards
a short hiatus out of the 9-to-5 world, and into table-dancing,
lap-dances, and pole-swingin’. Indulge yourself for a few months.
Looks damn good on the resume, yes it does!!
Scorpio
- Oct. 22-Nov. 20
Intestinal distress must be addressed and remedied in order to attain
true enlightenment and love that feeds the soul. High colonics are
in order. Kenny Loggins met his future wife by having his bowels
flushed, and you, too, will meet a special someone while having
your insides hosed out. Eat rose petals soaked in bean-o the day
before your appointment to get noticed. Poop-flirting is a little-known
romantic art, but ah, what an art! Capricorn involved. Watch for
crabs.
Sagittarius
- Nov. 21-Dec. 20
A dark cloud is obscuring any clear message from the stars. You
have halitosis of the heart. Clear your path and floss the teeth
of your soul, lest you lose sight of your spiritual destiny. A wise
man once said, "halitosis of the heart sure does smell bad."
Muse on this as you contemplate how to get rid of that smell, ooh
that smell, can you smell that?
Capricorn
- Dec. 21-Jan. 19
It’s time to revisit conversations with old friends. When was the
last time you talked to that old English teacher? Probably the last
day of 8th grade when you tossed the Trapper Keeper at her. Anyway,
money is in your future, perhaps Lotto prize money. Play now and
play often. Use a coin so you don’t get chronic "silver thumbnail."
Aquarius
- Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Your astrological profile makes you an ideal candidate for Survivor
2. Your ruthless nature and lack of compassion for your fellow man
will lead you to a million dollar prize on the Australian Outback.
Start researching edible insects and plant life now! And the stars
say that you better start fattening up now - you will exist almost
entirely on Australian Dung Beetles - very high in protein and fiber
but very little essential fats. Winning the immunity necklace is
essential to your staying on the island, as you are regarded as
a conniving bastard by all.
Pisces
- Feb. 19-March 18
Listen and take notes. That doesn’t mean you should be doing it
with high-powered microphones and binoculars. Be subtler, install
miniature cameras in their house and tape their every move. You
saw Sliver with Sharon Stone didn’t you? I liked that movie. I like
Sharon Stone. She was better in Basic Instinct though, don’t you
think? Ice picks, oooh!
Aries
- March 19-April 18
Symbolism abounds in your everyday interactions. Heighten your spiritual
and intellectual experiences by embracing and expressing experiences
with symbolic gestures. Tattoo your lover’s name on your ass. Carry
a patch of grass from your lawn to show you are grounded. Get your
tongue pierced to show that what you speak is beyond reproach, why
it’s stainless… like steel, baby!!
Taurus
- April 19-May 19
Taurus the bull? Yeah right. A bunch of bull is more like it. No
more Mr. Or Mrs. Nice Person. It’s time to drop the hammer on those
pesky telemarketers calling during dinner hours. Ask for their home
number and if it’s okay to call them back while they’re eating.
Better yet, get their address from DMV, hunt them down and shove
that 900 megahertz phone so far up their ass they can dial home
with their tongue. Brown is your lucky color.
Gemini
- May 20-June 19
Get back in touch with the real you. Take out your school photos
and remember what you looked like in 3rd grade. That’s right, just
because you have the fab car instead of the Sears budget bicycle,
just because you have a Palm Pilot instead of a broken no.2 pencil
with the eraser chewed off, and just because spend $100 every other
month on highlights and trendy haircuts, that doesn’t mean that
you have risen to the esteem with which you hold your possessions!!
You are not your possessions. If you want to be your possessions
be the yellow no. 2 pencil. Weenie.
Cancer
- June 20-July 21
As the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, chat rooms will become an
obsession. You will log on as a 17 year-old Swedish damsel with
a penchant for Magic Shell. Unfortunately, Gemini is in third phase,
so that "strapping young cowboy" from Austin is actually
a 17 year-old Swedish damsel and you’re left with a useless roundtrip
Greyhound bus ticket. You’ve always got AOL.
Leo
- July 22- Aug. 21
Be wary of a strange man with dark hair carrying a GPS Unit - he
wants directions but you know he’s not lost. Don’t accept his invitation
to dinner and "heavenly conversation." He most likely
is associated with a resurgent cult. Check his shoes - if he is
wearing black Nike hi-tops and has a stupid haircut, you don’t want
any of what he’s selling, you don’t want to meet his "family,"
and you don’t wanna go to Vegas with him!!
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