Horrorscopes

Virgo - Aug. 22-Sept. 21
As the Sun moves trine itself, take great pains to live life to its fullest. Champion a new cause. Explore your creative side. And while you’re at it, explore your backside too, chances are its been a while since you’ve washed it.

Libra - Sep. 22-Oct. 21
Libra is the air element and tends to be extroverted and active. More precisely, most Libras are sluts, fornicating their way through life like adolescent rabbits. Libras are inclined to prostitute themselves for money and drugs and respond favorably to psychological abuse. Not surprisingly, Libras gravitate towards careers in politics or acting (not that there’s any difference.)

Scorpio - Oct. 22-Nov. 20
Neptune is rotating into the moon phase. Scorpios are rotating on their thumbs. The humble Scorpio: lethargic, hopeless, pitiful. Scorpios possess skills that make them exceptionally talented as vagrants, winos, and QVC viewers.

Sagittarius - Nov. 21-Dec. 20
With Jupiter moving through Mars, beware feelings of anger. Yes, its understandable that you would feel anger considering that you are essentially an abject failure. Appropriately enough, you are attracted to Libras so there are many people out there who can associate with you. Please have mercy on society and have yourself spayed or neutered.

Capricorn - Dec. 21-Jan. 19
I’m sorry, I just can’t take any astrological sign with the word "corn" in it seriously.

Aquarius - Jan. 20-Feb. 18
HEY!!! AQUARIUS!!! Yes I’m talking to you. Take your hand out of your sibling’s pants and pay attention. How many times do have to be told that inbreeding weakens the gene pool? Look at Dubbya if you’re not convinced. And God Bless the United States of America.

Pisces - Feb. 19-March 18
Ask not what a Pisces can do for you, ‘cause chances are its not much. Ever heard the phrase "Beat you like a redheaded stepchild?" Well who do you think the redheaded stepchild takes his/her anger out on? That’s right, the lowly Pisces - swimming in society’s gutter along with assorted bacteria and Howard Stern.

Aries - March 19-April 18
As Justin moves trine Britney, Aries are inclined to reflect on past achievements. This can be a time of significant frustration for the Aries because past achievements tend to be few and far between. Aries should consider careers in fast food, road construction, and US Postal Service.

Taurus - April 19-May 19
Oh the Taurus, they do bore us. Feeble minds, so weak and porous. Held back in school, ride the short bus. Like Aquarius, so incestuous. With luck extinct like Brontosaurus.

Gemini - May 20-June 19
Look inward for answers as Venus moves conjuct Saturn. Of course chances are you won’t find any answers cause you are nothing but a hollow, empty shell of a person. Gemini excel in careers such as game show host, porn star, and Human Resources.

Cancer - June 20-July 21
Cancer, Cancer, necromancer. Bastard daughter’s an exotic dancer. Turns tricks for pay, freebase all day. Met her pimp and ran away. Whored out for drugs, a sloppy lay. Don’t matter ‘cause the Johnnies pay.

Leo - July 22- Aug. 21
Seek new opportunities as the 4^th moon of Pluto moves conjunct Euphrates. Emphasize what your future holds for you. Keep your eyes on the horizon. Never look behind you — you’ll only see all the people laughing at you, Fat Ass.