sponsored by

Hosted by
eROI

Greener: PART I
"Beware the call of the rat race..."
by Roderick Armageddon

After relishing the climb to career success and the combined joy of marriage, homeownership and dogownership, I found myself up against the wall. Not the wall of debt or the wall of too damn much to do; I found myself against a much larger wall: the wall of reaching my goal as a man.

I was in the rat race and excelling beyond my wildest expectations. I was achieving success left and right and finding my goals met on a daily basis. In fact, what few personal goals remained (like paying off student loans) seemed little more than pesky annoyances to a wonder boy who was "winning the race and living the dream." But just who the Hell's dream was it? Wasn't this the life I was supposed to be leading? Wasn't this what men were supposed to do? If it was, then why the Hell wasn't I as happy as a clam?

To better explain my emotions, I started making excuses for my sour demeanor. Maybe I would learn about happiness when I reached "retirement" or some other significant age-driven life marker. Maybe I wasn't seeing the additional goals I was supposed to be working towards. Or maybe, just maybe, I was experiencing evolution at work.

Indeed, perhaps I was coming to the end of my use as a man and now was the time to redefine just who and what I was. This sounded like the perfect mid-life crisis in action. The only thing that didn't make sense was that I was only 28 years old. Just what was it that I was experiencing? Why such dissatisfaction and discomfort at such a young age and with so much success bundled under me? Just why the Hell was this cow seeking greener pastures?

This is a rich topic worthy of unending collegiate theses and American Psychological Association lectures. But we're not here to waste our reader's time providing insightful psychological facts and figures. Forget that, that's why we have US Weekly. Anvil's here to present opinions and street-level research into the subject at hand, enabling our readers to think whatever the Hell they please –with just a little more insight, so you're better prepared to help your shrink dig deeper into your troubled psyche. So sit back and enjoy Anvil's multi-part exploration into evolution and the human experience.

And Then There Was Man
While most all the issues we're discussing in this Part I relate to both men and women, we're going to focus on the male of our species in this section as the topic came to fruition primarily due to a male Anvil writer's twisted self analysis. Because of this, we believe it's only appropriate to dissect the frivolous and pathetic nature of modern man, first.

One of the more interesting and disturbing traits of twenty-first century man is his growing push to seek an ever-increasing level of selfish pleasure from life as he ages. While this is by no means the rule for all men, common knowledge, simple observation and the ever-helpful support of popular culture all lead us to believe that the mid-life meltdown is most definitely the common track for many men as they age.

For those who find themselves with a burning itch for more, this yearning often culminates with the widely-recognized mid-life crisis, usually surfacing in suburban man's 40s. At this stage in his life, typical suburban man has found success in his career, secured a lovely home in the `burbs and a perfect, doting wife, in addition to two and a half especially adorable children. The American dream has been secured and his conquest for more has reached homeostasis. With no kingdoms left to conquest, what's left for man to do? One word: meltdown.

For suburban man, the mid-life crisis is usually accompanied by a divorce or separation, the purchase of an expensive car aimed far to the left of family utility (often a Dodge Viper or Chevrolet Corvette), and the acquisition of a visually attractive younger mate (often a woman –though not exclusively). What's more, the midlife crisis also presents its host with a new mindset; one that is clear, concise and finally at rest with its true self.

Unfortunately, appearances can be deceiving and the midlife crisis is no exception. What appears to be new-found clarity is often little more than the excitement and zest of change. You can experience a similar sensation –albeit not as intense- when you buy a completely new wardrobe or embark on a vacation with no itinerary and $36. Hell, sometimes you can even get the same sensation when you shave a section of your body normally left untouched by the razor. Regardless, as soon as the sensations of change have set in and man's new existence is his daily reality, he is left with a bevy of unresolved thoughts and emotions –everything he ignored on his way to a fresh start- which he now has the time to face. Unfortunately, suburban man might not be prepared to face the reality of his creation.

Welcome to the dawn of greener pastures.

While the scenario presented by suburban man is far from new and probably resonates at some level with most of us, what is more often ignored is the crisis of man prior to mid-life. Although man has evolved as the clock has ticked, what hasn't evolved is man's sense of existence and purpose. At the last Man Convention held in Firth, Idaho, the common question carrying throughout the ballroom was, "Just what the Hell are we here for?" While this isn't by any means the larger –and more appropriately addressed elsewhere- "meaning of life" question, this is the more relevant question of, "...what is my job?" Or better yet, "...What do I need to achieve while I'm here?"

While at University I learned that many gender scholars, sociologists and psychologists now believe that man is facing the biggest challenge of his existence. The challenge of defining himself in a world ruled by mental and emotional strategy, as opposed to physical might. Whereby man was able to dominate life on earth for centuries through the power of an iron fist, the only man wielding heavy metal these days is the Iron Chef. Just what was man to do as he progressed through time? How would he compensate for the lack of constant all-out brutal warfare in a "civilized" world?

–stay tuned gentle readers for PART II: "Man's Modern Warfare"