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A Chat with the Tooth Fairy
from the September/October 2003 issue of Modern Dentist magazine

MODERN DENTIST: How did you get into this line of work? Was it a calling?

TOOTH FAIRY: More like a lifestyle choice. I suffer from DND and RNIS.

MD: DND? RNIS?

TF: Daytime Narcolepsy Disorder and Repetitive Noise Intolerance Syndrome. Most people get one or the other. I have both.

MD: That must be terrible.

TF: Not really. It just means I can't tolerate sunlight or any kind of repetitive noise, like disco music or clocks.

MD: So working at night was a natural for you—.

TF: Yeah, except for the night blindness. But, yeah, it's a good fit. And also because of being born with dual dorsal extensions—or wings. And I'm short and have intolerances to wheat and lactose, so I'm pretty light.

MD: Can you fly?

TF: Sort of.

MD: I see. Describe a typical day—um, night—on the job for the Tooth Fairy.

TF: I come in the window, pick up the tooth and leave the money. Except it's sometimes more complicated.

MD: How so?

TF: I get a lot of false alarms: no tooth under the pillow, no pillow—a lot of kids throw the pillow onto the floor in the middle of the night. And the floor's not my jurisdiction. So I have to try again the next night, and sometimes it's the same thing, the pillow on the floor. Can't touch it.

MD: When you say, "jurisdiction"—

TF: It's union rules. UFGE local 135.

MD: UFGE?

TF: United Fairies Goblins and Elves. Anyway—.

MD: And last year, weren't you involved in a lawsuit?

TF: Yeah, that's complicated. I wasn't bonded, then I was bonded, then I wasn't. OK, so I go on this run, and it's this false alarm/practical joke thing involving a pair of plastic vampire teeth under the pillow. So I go in there and lift up the pillow and I'm scared and—boom!—my intestines come sliding out. So I sue the people, and then they counter sue, and I lose and actually have to pay them because I wasn't bonded at the time, which wasn't my fault.

MD: I've never heard of anyone's intestines just sliding out like that. I didn't know that was physically possible.

TF: Sure. Spontaneous Unaided Disembowelment Syndrome—SUDS.

MD: That must have been awful for you.

TF: Not really. It's just, my insurance didn't cover it.

MD: Well, listen, we're just about out of time—.

TF: Figures.