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I need to move on. I really thought the Democrats would pull this one out. In an election boasting a higher level of celebrity involvement than ever before, I was confident that the vote would be rocked. I was certain that someone could find a way to defeat an incumbent whose record in office looks very much like a script for a Steven Segal action movie (the dialogue isn't very good, but there is a lot of violence).

On election night, as I watched the country transform into a lopsided game of Risk, and George "I'm a War President" Bush consulted with Cheney as to whether or not the donkey on the Democratic Party's logo was the same donkey as in Shrek, I began to think about what type of candidate the Demo's would need to run the next time around to bring victory to a party with more concessions than Dodger Stadium. First of all, we need someone tall. Tall candidates have a history of winning the presidency, and at 6'11" Kerry obviously wasn't tall enough. Strong political stances would be nice, but it is more important that he possess that, "Je ne sais quoi" (translation: 270 Electoral College votes) that Kerry and Gore lacked.

To do this, he must have a world class ability to penetrate and procure votes in that Republican stronghold known as "Everywhere except the West Coast and New England." The Democrats need a candidate that both Billy Bob down south and Billy Joel out west could vote for, and that Billy Idol wouldn't laugh at us for electing.

The problem now is finding something that can bring together such opposites, for contrary to what we learned on Bill Nye the Science Guy, they do not attract. My idea, while dangerous, has the potential to give the Democratic Party the first Electoral College shutout in history. While I know that these are lofty goals, I am confident that lopsided victory could easily be attained. I am proposing that the next Democratic nominee is a liberal politician who absolutely LOVES NASCAR.

I know you're thinking, "That will be harder to find than a feminist rapper," and you're right. But nothing will bring together the votes of the West Coast, New England, the Great Lakes states, and the mass of red that covers the rest of the country like a president who not only insists that we call him the "Commander in Crew-Chief," but can also explain the merits of positive camber to visiting diplomats and debate whether or not Derricke Cope's 18 starts make his rise from 45th last year to 39th this season more impressive than Joe Nemechek's ascent from 25th to 19th.

If we find this candidate, I will be…. surprised. But I think "Practical Policies, Redneck Recreation!" would be a winning campaign slogan everywhere except Hawaii, who can't stand policies in any form.

Although our collective fates have been sealed for the rest of the four-year term, help should be on the way in 2008. But we'll need to start now. If you're like me, (between the age of 18-25) and it is your dream to have someone in office who thinks "drafting" is something that distributes drag between two vehicles, finding that candidate is up to us. You know what to look for in the next President. Now it's off to the races.

 

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by Kent Lewis
   
 

Letters from Kabul
by Arnold Strong

   
 

I Laugh Because There Is No Crying In Politics
by Peter Frick-Wright

   
 

Two in the Bush
by Dario Bollacasa

   
 

Take a Haiku: Bushwhacking
by Greg Coyle

   
  Lists
 

Bushisms - Actual Quotes from Our President in 2006

 
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