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Taurus
- April 19-May 19
It’s a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining, the birds are
singing, so you know what to do, Taurus! Plug in that Nintendo 64,
put the blister-pads on your game controller, and order in a pizza!
Who cares if the rest of the world is outside having fun in the
sun! They’re just going to get skin cancer and bug bites anyways!
You know how to take advantage of a beautiful day, and if nobody
else does, then that’s less people clogging up the 1-900 game hints
phone lines for you!
Gemini
- May 20-June 19
Today is the day that you need to talk to yourself - understand
the inner you. But talk to yourself out loud, in the elevator, park,
store... let everyone know that you talk to yourself, and that you
are proud to do it.
Cancer
- June 20-July 21
Call that special person back and get on with your life. Spending
all your spare time looking at dirty magazines and practicing auto-erotica
has gotten kind of old after 6 months, hasn’t it? If not, your problem
may be chronic. However, if you are ready to move on, flowers and
a nice dinner will help, just make up a story about the calluses.
Tell ’em they’re from working out - it’s kind of true, isn’t it?
Leo
- July 22- Aug. 21
A lack of enthusiasm for Cinco De Mayo may get you in trouble with
the restaurant wait staff. Watch for "secret sauce" in
your Chalupa. Remember not everyone thinks your jokes are funny,
especially the one about the poodle and the sausage.
Virgo
- Aug. 22-Sept. 21
The Capricorn Moon plays havoc with your sense of balance. It’s
still a bit early for shorts, you may want to exercise or go tanning.
Stop working so much and go home and walk the cat and change the
dog’s litter. Leo offers support and pills.
Libra
- Sep. 22-Oct. 21
Today is your day to conquer the world. Oops, that’s Aries. Sorry
Libra, today is your day to sit down and take it like you always
do. Better luck next time, wuss. Pisces will throw vegetables at
you.
Scorpio
- Oct. 22-Nov. 20
Gain respect back from your co-workers. Start wearing pants. Cut
out the chanting and chicken sacrifices. Look to a close friend
for child support. Drinking straws will be a hazard for you in the
coming weeks.
Sagittarius
- Nov. 21-Dec. 20
According to the Capricorn Moon, you’re auctions on eBay are closing
prematurely. Don’t leave too much money on the table, increase your
reserve and play the odds. There are plenty of Antique Roadshow
fans willing to pay top dollar for Beanie Babies.
Capricorn
- Dec. 21-Jan. 19
You will be in the hot seat in the next few days. Try to diffuse
the situation by accusing others of boanthropy. Black is your power
color, so buy a new wardrobe. Don’t let the mime in the box get
to you, tips are for real workers.
Aquarius
- Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Jupiter frowns and shakes a middle finger at you. Stop playing games
with your family. Fess up to your penchant for juggling monkeys
and lima beans. A long lost uncle cuts you into his will, unfortunately,
you’ll have to share the estate with his beloved cat Toonses.
Pisces
- Feb. 19-March 18
Okay Pisces, today you must use your powers if intuition to figure
out if the person stalking you (Surprised? Trust me, someone IS
stalking you!) is a harmless, lovesick geek, or a burgeoning psychopathic
serial killer. Intuition not what it used to be? Start meditating
right now!
Aries
- March 19-April 18
So you want to be a millionaire? Marry one on broadcast TV, or spend
some time with Regis in a dramatically lit room. Otherwise, you
blew your chance to ride the dot com stock market. There’s always
Amway.
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