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A Consultants Life
by Kent Lewis

We’ve all been trained since we were children to despise or at least question the value of a consultant. There are likely as many consultant jokes as lawyer jokes, or perhaps they’re all the same, with just a few words changed. Either way, I’ve never held consultants in high regard, until now.

I’ve been consulting for only a few weeks now, since leaving my previous position at a small agency. In just days, I was transformed from senior management with direct reports and fiscal responsibility, to an unshaven, boxer-clad hermit. It’s amazing how quickly you can adjust to your environment when you have total control (see Dilbert circa 1998).

For those of you with jobs on the "other side," I offer you a look into the life of a consultant (aka unemployable or lazy professional). The following information is fiction and is not meant to represent actual persons or events. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, except for me, of course.

Putting the "con" in consulting
It’s a whole new day, albeit a Monday. I wake up at 6:15 a.m. (when I used to wake up for my job) because I forgot to turn off the alarm. I decide to unplug alarm clock, as it’s no longer required. After sleeping in a bit, I’m awakened by my cat, which’s very intent on getting fed (by scratching me on the nose). Very effective. Note to self: scratch people on the nose when you need something.

I saunter into the bathroom, grab a shower, then a quick breakfast. Before you know it, I’m on the laptop, checking my schedule for the day. I decide it would be best to hit the gym before getting down to work. An hour and a half later, I’m back at home and revving to go. Amazing, it’s only 10 a.m. by the time I start pecking away at a few small client projects. Regis is signing off and it’s time to surf for better programming. What luck, People’s Court is on. That should carry me through to lunch.

After one or two hours of hard work, it’s time for a lunch break. This time, there’s no cafeteria, no local eatery or bento cart, its just leftovers from the fridge. Nothing like cold pizza to get the creative juices flowing. Time for more work, deadlines are approaching and I’m not making any money when I’m eating.

Thirty minutes later, I remember I have a meeting downtown. Time to check the weather conditions. Do I drive, ride my bike, skateboard or just hoof it? I hate trying to find parking, so I decide to skate. Ever seen a high-paid consultant on a skateboard? Apparently those on the Max train hadn’t. Maybe it was my cell phone that threw them off.

The meeting goes smoothly in that it wasn’t billable (new business of course) and it took time away from billable work. The nature of the game, I suppose. I hop on my board and head back home in time for Oprah.

I sit down to finish up a project and realize I forgot to pick a few things up at the store. The errand turns into a marathon shopping spree including a brief stop at Barnes & Noble to check on the latest outdoor and car mags.

It’s almost dinnertime before I get home. I best put in a few hours of work, as I’ve only done about an hour of real work today and have a full day tomorrow and a few deliverables. As I get settled at the table, an excellent Simpson’s rerun comes on. What to do.

A few more hours of project work follow the Simpsons, The Daily Show and Family Guy. Damn that cable TV! Halfway through a summary report, the eyes start to get sleepy. Better grab something to eat. Crap, it’s 12:30 p.m. and I’ve worked through dinner. Oh well, a Drumstick and some Eggo Waffles will hold me until morning.

What an efficient day, I managed to bill four hours! The life of a consultant is rich with adventure and mullah, indeed. It’s time for bed, according to my lacerated nose and the purr of my cat.