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Ask Doris
Helpful Advice for You and Your Family

Some people consider these kinds of pursuits modern. Others, like yours truly, say phooey! If that’s the way the world is turning, I say stop this ride and let me off! I’ll put it plainly: decent people do not do these things. Period. Nor for that matter, do dogs, pigs, or any of God’s creatures. ‘Nuff said?

Dear Doris,
I saw this column next to the horoscopes and Ziggy and it says helpful so maybe you can help me. I’m really wanting to quit heroin, I think. But I don’t know how and my roommate says I shouldn’t go cold turkey, cause it’ll give me brain damage. He says I should switch to his home mix, which is a little coke, some No-Doz, Flintstone vitamins and Ajax. It burns like crazy when you snort it, but it’s wicked good, but now he says I should try shooting it up in my ankle. I don’t know. What do you think? You have a job and all, so. Whatever. Should I try it? -J.Z.

So many of us face this dilemma, don’t we? We want to try something new, but a new thing can be scary, even when we just know we’ll get a big kick out of it. When I’m afraid to try something new, I remember this little poem that says so much:

Try I will, said Mr. Skunk
Because when he relents
He finds that trying new things
Makes an awful lot of scents!

And I can assure you, I practice what I preach! When my son gave me a laptop computer recently, I was a little afraid at first, but gosh darn it, I dove right in. I’ll admit I’m having trouble with some of the fancy tricks, like "Cut and Paste" and "Copy" (you’d have to be Bill Yates to understand all these bells and whistles!) and also "Enter" and "Insert." But I’ll keep trying, you bet!

Dear Doris,
I don’t mean to boast but my husband tells me I’m a darn good cook. I spend hours every day reading recipes, buying groceries, and preparing supper, and he wolfs it down in about two minutes -- so I must be doing something right! Problem is, sometimes my friend asks us to join her and her husband for a meal at a restaurant. Frankly, the whole idea makes me uncomfortable. Eating food that I don’t even know what’s in it — and heck, I could make it better at home! Also restaurant food doesn’t taste the way I like it. How can I avoid this? I’m running out of excuses, and my friend is starting to get sore at me. -T.K.

Any friend who would ask you to do something like this is no friend at all. You need to drop them like a rock -- and how! And warn everyone you know that this person is up to no good! Maybe when they’re ostracized, they’ll think twice about making these kinds of sick, depraved invitations to good people like yourself. This may be common practice in some of the big cities like Benton and Tiber City but it is not welcome in a Christian community like the Greater Three Fingers Area. Stick to your guns and tell your friend, no thank you, and good day!

Dear Doris,
I’ve been married for six years to a wonderful woman and we’re very happy. But lately she has new ideas about our special relations. She says she read in her ladies magazine that a woman should expect her husband to do certain extra things to her in the bedroom department, that she should even go so far as to ask him to do it! I was raised to believe that relations did not include this. Tammy and I met in Youth Ministry, so this comes as a real surprise. Please tell me what to do. -A.L.

You’re missing out on one of the pleasures of life if you’re not eating out. If you’re uncomfortable with the idea, take some control over the situation. Atmosphere is everything, so choose a place that’s homey and inviting. And don’t be afraid to bring some of your own spices and condiments. You’ll hear no objections if you sprinkle on a little sugar or cinnamon to cover up a bitter taste, or a few pepper flakes to spice things up. I say, take a chance with a new experience -- you may find that you really enjoy it -- and don’t let a sour puss ruin the occasion. Bon appetite!