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The First Sign of Armageddon
And you thought the Florida election was questionable
by David Volk

It was bound to happen. First reality television brought us the story of human pettiness and greed writ large in "Survivor", "Big Brother", and "The Mole". Then it inserted itself into our private lives with "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire" and "The Bachelor." Ass if that weren’t enough, reality TV producers found a way for actual talent to avoid the paying dues process all singers have endure with "American Idol", the show where television viewers vote on a singer to receive a recording industry contract.

With each new show pushing the envelope further, you had to wonder if broadcasters would ever find a limit. Now the FX network (slogan: "We’re a network because we say we are") has announced plans to host a show to choose an actual presidential candidate from a field of average Joe and Jane Sixpacks based on the votes of viewers, it seems that there are no limits.

As frightening as the concept is, I don’t want to debate its merits. Sure, it means viewers may nominate a frightening nutcase, but at least this guarantees that he or she will be a likeable photogenic one.

Some would say this is a sign that the end is near; that democracy is doomed, that a man without a cent can grow to be president. But not me, I say it’s a song lyric.

No, if you want a real sign of the coming Armageddon, just think about the likely series that will result if the candidate does get elected. Why stop with the president? Why not have 12 untrained people from every walk of life compete to protect the president in a show called "American Agent"? Or, how about voting on a member of the new president’s cabinet, say the Secretary of the Treasury in "American Secretary?" From there we could even try voting on a civilian to become a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in "American General."

Hell, why stop at the executive branch of government? We could even try a competition among unqualified candidates for the next vacancy on the Supreme Court and call it "American Justice." The only problem with this idea is that I’m hard-pressed to think of any actual contests the judge-wannabes could participate in: Robe Modeling? The gavel-pounding competition? The ‘You’re In Contempt’ Yell-off?

The other disadvantage with this idea is that this is already how we tend to pick our Supreme Court justices.

There is a logical conclusion to this spate of reality shows if the TV president turns out to be incompetent: American Terrorist.

I can see it now. After an exhaustive nationwide search, the show’s producers will find a field of 12 average men and women without military training, connections to the NRA or militia organizations who will vie to take out the reality TV president. The first week in the 13 weeks will be spent at a terrorist training camp in Central Oregon with No one will be eliminated from the show unless there’s an unexpected accident.

Each week after that participants will engage in increasingly larger acts of terrorism — a letter bomb here, a bridge demolition there — slowly working their way up to TV assassination. All the while, viewers will vote who will stay on for another week and who will be eliminated. And I do mean eliminated because all losers will be summarily executed.

Then, the winner will have to mix it up with American Agent before he can get to American Candidate. I can even hear the promo for the series now: "You put him in office, now you can take him out. From the makers of ‘American Candidate’, American Terrorist.’"

Of course, the only problem with the concept is that if the finalist succeeds in his or her bid, it will be just another sign that the terrorists have won.

That's what the FX hopes to produce. The cable channel announced on Friday the start of a series, "American Candidate," designed to pick a TV-endorsed potential president. "We think it's a marriage of a tried-and-true concept, as shown by 'American Idol,' with a down-home political spin to it," said Peter Liguori, FX president. "We are a nation where, quote-unquote, anybody can become president, and this is a concept that gives everyday folks a forum to express their point of view and have people respond to it." R.J. Cutler, the filmmaker who made "The War Room," a documentary on the 1992 Clinton campaign, is producing the project with Jay Roach, director of the "Austin Power" movies. The series will begin in early 2004 and culminate around July 4 with a live show at The Mall in Washington, D.C., where viewers will choose their favorite candidate for president. FX has no idea whether the winner will then actually run for president. "We're just out to make a good, entertaining TV show," Liguori said. Applications will be accepted from naturalized U.S. citizens who will be 35 years old by January 20, 2005. The candidates must produce a petition signed by 50 supporters. A panel of experts will choose 100 semifinalists, two from each state, who will be introduced to viewers in the series' first episode. Episodes will be broadcast live from locations like Mount Rushmore, Gettysburg and the Statue of Liberty, where the candidates will compete with such things as debates and stump speeches. Viewers will gradually eliminate candidates. Liguori said FX is not trying to trivialize the process of becoming president by starting the series. "That's the last thing we want to do," he said. "The hope here is that this is straightforward Americana. Anyone can grow up to be president. We're just giving them a forum to do that."