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Gone In 60 Seconds

Or less, depending on how bad you fucked up. Where did job security go? Is it hidden under my brand spankin’ new cell phone, or maybe it is in my big ass fancy desk located in my corner window office. Nope, not there either.

Today it is hard enough finding the right job in the first place. First, you have to figure out if the job is cool, and will you be able to make your BMW payment on the salary they offer. Second, you have to figure out the benefits situation. Does their dental plan cover platinum caps? Do they have a fair equity plan in place? Do they offer the Palm VII or is it just the Palm V? These are all questions that should not be taken lightly. Usually when all of these demands can’t be met is when it’s time to get out the cart and start shopping.

Just because I am constantly shopping myself around like a cheap whore to other companies for a few more bucks and the promise to be loved, does not mean that I have no "loyalty." I jus gotsta pay da bills. Shit man, I got 5 kids from 6 different mothers, all lookin’ for da cash money.

Today is not like yesterday; except for I did put on clean underwear yesterday and today. My grandpa Pappy could spend his entire life working at Joe’s Machine Shop and not miss a day of work. Hell, I don’t even know who Joe is. Now a days I think it is as much of the employee’s fault as it is the employer’s. It has gotten so bad now that it’s hard to decipher who is screwing who. Maybe we should just leave all well alone and enjoy the orgy. But I can’t, as much as that sounds enticing. I believe in company loyalty. I believe if I stick around and bust my ass that one day I will be driving a company mini van, and signing employee checks with my "25 Years of Service" commemorative pen. If I could just be so lucky. I should as long as I follow these 10 rules.

10 Ways of Keeping Your Job

10. Deny that you are having sexual relations with your hot secretary.

9. Deny that you are having sex with the boss, but do it anyways (This works for male or female).

8. If your secretary still sticks to her story… fire her.

7. Only complain how the boss is screwing you (make sure that nobody thinks you mean literally - see #9) to people he is literally screwing.

6. Make sure that you are spreading the work gossip. This is the only way that you can guarantee it is not about you.

5. Don’t hoard all of the office supply Sharpies. Aka - get help for your huffing problem.

4. When your boss compliments you on how pretty your wife and daughter are - offer them up.

3. When your boss gives an idea, reply with "That’s so good! I wish I would have thought of that."

2. Do not save your downloads from www.underagebackdoorsluts.com on the company’s network.

1. Bring your boss the paper to read while he is on the shitter.

By following these simple rules, you are guaranteed to be next in line when the boss leaves for a dotcom start-up or for some consulting gig. This also just might start a job loyalty revolution.