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Sagittarius
- Nov. 21-Dec. 20
Ask any friend of a Sagittarius if they are a lucky person and you
will get a resounding yes! You will also hear speculation that Sags
cheat at cards, which is not entirely unfounded. However, this month,
as usual you will luckily escape a dangerous situation. Beware the
betrothed, you are probably engaged to a serial killer. Let them
down real easy, then enroll in the witness protection program.
Capricorn
- Dec. 21-Jan. 19
Time to settle down and recoup, Capricorn. All that partying is
about to catch up and knock one out of the park. Get your hands
on some strong antibiotics. Don’t bother finding out what you caught,
just get rid of it, quick!
Aquarius
- Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Don’t take no for an answer. Follow your dreams, now is the right
time to ask for what you want. You will receive whatever you ask
for at this time. Make sacrifices to the Goddess of Occupational
Happiness or suffer a fate worse than death: your boss at the Hot
Dog on a Stick stand will never, ever fire you. How about squeezing
some more lemonade already?
Pisces
- Feb. 19-March 18
Visiting relatives will strain marital relations. Sex can be completely
written off till the in-laws leave. Find something to repair in
the basement. Drink a lot of alcohol, at times like these it’s really
okay to start at 7am.
Aries
- March 19-April 18
This month brings many opportunities for good fortune. Wear stripes
and plaid to staff meetings, this will bring good fortune upon your
workplace. Wear red lace underneath your clothing to protect yourself
from evil spirits. Rub garlic on your ass and armpits to attract
feral dogs.
Taurus
- April 19-May 19
There is a chill in the air that is forcing you to stay indoors.
Don’t leave the house except to take out the garbage. You don’t
really need your horrorscopes to tell you this; you were planning
on doing it anyways. We Just thought why not give you permission,
because your boss, friends, and family won’t. Order food and supplies
over the internet. If you want to socialize, call the 1-800 psychics
line and test their abilities. Ask them to guess what color underwear
you are wearing.
Gemini
- May 20-June 19
This month you are going to have to toot your own horn, let people
know how important you are. Make sure the receptionist knows how
important you are. If she doesn’t believe you, tell her your billing
rate. That ought to do it. The day after that happens, you will
be utterly humiliated when you are informed (in front of the receptionist)
that your billing rate is an error, and alas, you have been over-billing
clients for the last 2 months.
Cancer
- June 20-July 21
You’re tendency to over analyze the meaning of Christmas will keep
you paralyzed at Hallmark, unable to make that crucial decision:
Funny Christmas card about farting reindeer, or a PC multi-cultural
card that says Happy Holidays in 7 different languages? We pity
you, we really do….
Leo
- July 22- Aug. 21
Be careful of flashy yet cheap holiday finery, it may let you down
at a family function. The nieces & nephews will be scarred for
life when that Velcro closure comes undone….unless you’re a
hottie, then they will remember this as their best Christmas ever!
Virgo
- Aug. 22-Sept. 21
Circumstances at work are not in your favor. You are one tardy and
one flippant remark away from getting canned. In order to cinch
the deal, you’ll need to pull out the big guns and wear red vinyl
hot pants to your probationary review. (No chonies, lines are SO
tacky). Collect unemployment for a minimum of 3 months, the best
paying jobs out there right now are Starbucks, and who wants to
get up at 4:00am everyday????
Libra
- Sep. 22-Oct. 21
Keep up the scientific dirt experiment in your home. Results will
happen soon. Your body is halfway to developing an allergy to mold
and mice droppings as you read this. Your home may be featured on
the evening news soon. I foresee the news clip: crews in yellow
hazard gear tossing a dirty mattress onto the front lawn…….
Scorpio
- Oct. 22-Nov. 20
The moon has thrown Scorpio’s best traits completely out of whack.
You are a sexless, steaming, boring pustule. We’ll talk to you later,
when you’ve got your mojo back. In the meantime, catch up on old
episodes of Charlie’s Angels. Reruns are playing on the Lifetime
Channel. Resist temptations to buy the Turbie-Twist.
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