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Random

One
Nancy: Hey, did you watch the Simpson’s last night?
Chab: Nah, I don’t watch the Simpson’s anymore.
Nancy: Yeah, it’s not the same since South Park has come on the
scene.
Chab: Simpson’s isn’t raw enough.
Nancy: I bet you like your meat raw.
Chab: What?

Two
The following are excerpts from an actual email conversation between Oregon State University Beaver alumni and a University of Oregon Duck football player prior to the big Civil War matchup. Names have been changed to protect the guilty, reader discretion is advised due to adult language and content.

Bobby Beaver - My friends and I have been talking, and we are wondering what it will feel like to lose at both Parker stadium, and now Reser Stadium? Not many ducks have had this privilege to live the rest of their lives with! GO BEAVERS!

Donny Duck - I was wondering how you’re going to explain to your wife that you and your male friends like to engage in gay sexual activities with her vibrator collection. she needs the vibrators because well i’ll just say lil mr. winky isn’t gettin the job done. oh yeah what time do you want me to bring your daughter home. suck dick and cheer your ass off cause that’s all you can do. of course you do the first better than the second… and if you have any more questions just page your wife, you’ll be sure to find me. don’t even talk to me i just dogged you for all eternity. don’t talk shit to an expert shit talker…

Brad Beaver - By the response you gave my friends… you seem like a very disturbed individual. Do your fellow players know about your homosexual tendencies? …Here’s an idea, how about worrying about the game itself. By the way you boys have talked this week, it appears that the game is the last thing on your mind. This doesn’t appear to be very sound preparation for the biggest game that you have ever played to date. …You claim that you are an expert, an expert at what? Your message… isn’t very impressive. Obviously you haven’t read any of those text books that your scholarship provides you. Maybe you should attend a Communications 101 class. Heck, maybe you should just get some class, period. My friend was simply curious as to what it will feel like to lose in Parker Stadium, and now Reser Stadium. Not
very many people get to experience this!

Donny Duck - once again my homosexual buddy writes to me. come on i told you that i didn’t like boys. listen no nuts, i just want you and your black and orange friends to make a trip to eugene. yeah i’m calling you out. pads or no pads we can settle our differences. you say i’m classless. i don’t need no life having, gay orgy participants writing me. i’ll get some class when you get a life. find something better to do with your time besides e-mailing the team that you guys have been so wanting to imitate for so long. yes we’ve been winning for a long time now. i’ve never endured a losing season in my time here. yes i am part of a group of guys that are the winningest players in the pac-10 during my tenure. can any of the players from osu say that? let me think about it....hmmmm..you’re a pretty intelligent guy i think you know the answer, oh wait, maybe i should help you ,can they say the same HELL NO. have you ever played a down of football in your life? the powder puff all girls game you were a part of in high school doesn’t count buddy, come on. the answer is no and if you did you’d take my lil invitation of taking a trip… i hope now you’ve learned your lesson. never shit talk an expert shit talker… keep cheering and go back into hiding when the times get tough for your team, those times are coming real soon… oh yeah i tried to tell your wife(sister) and daughter to go home but they said you were there with little timmy and that they can’t disturb you when your at home with little timmy…

Bobby Beaver - Well well well… I keep wondering why you’re caught in an email war w/ a Beaver fan, when you should be trying to figure out how on earth you’re going to stop [us] from running up your ass all day long. You continue to assume homosexual tendencies on my end, but what … As far as going down to Eugene and settling our differences… I’ll let my boys in orange and black settle my differences on Saturday afternoon. That’s what this whole thing was about, originally. Remember? What’s the feeling of losing in both Parker/Reser?? I’ll wait for your reply after the game on that one. And as far as me having no life and emailing some punk from my rival school. Well… I’ve won that battle. So far I’ve continued to take your mind off of the quest at hand. You’ve simply given myself and friends some free comedy throughout our week of preparation for the game. I’ve taken your time away from your studies (yeah right, like you pick up a book) and of your attempt at a futile preparation for Civil War. It’s simply inevitable… Don’t worry, your only view of this will be from lying on your back, but you’ll have a front row seat… Additionally, the fact that OSU offered you a scholarship and you turned it down, is your problem. Another regret of yours after the game on Saturday is my guess. Winningest Pac-10 players?? Maybe so, but you’re still getting an ass kicking on Saturday, and I know that will bother you forever. That will stick in your mind much longer than being a "winning program". The fact that you lose your senior year, civil war game, will go with you til the grave. Never trash talk an expert trash talker??? (not really your exact words, but I won’t lower myself to your vulgar vocabulary)… And as far your mention of my mother/sister/daughter etc… I won’t bother to mention your mamma and sister, they don’t deserve mention.