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Traditions and Terrorism
A few tips to keep your holidays safe and fun
By Kent Lewis

This holiday season, visions of dancing sugar plum fairies have been replaced by burning rubble and men in biohazard suits. My, how things have changed. On September 10^th, I was enjoying an old-fashioned donut with powdered sugar topping. Only two weeks later, that very same powered donut, thoughtlessly left at the main desk, could have shut down an entire Police precinct. Through it all, I’ve realized I have to be strong and not let terrorists win the all-important psychological war. Now for the next big battle: the holidays, and I think I know how to win.

• For starters, keep your plans to visit family and friends for the holidays. Don’t be afraid to fly or be put out by additional security measures at airports. If you prefer to drive, gas is cheap and the odds are minimal that any bridges you cross on your trip are rigged with C4. If neither appeal to you, there’s always Amtrak. No matter your mode of transport, there is no substitute to being with family (with the exception of your mother-in-law).

• When it comes to shopping, don’t chicken out and order online from the safety of your office or home (unless it’s my former employer, goodguys.com). Don’t stay away from the local shopping mall because the FBI got a "hot tip" that the Elephant Ears may be laced with Small Pox. Rather, celebrate the convenience and joyful atmosphere of the food court and treat your friends or family to a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick. Get out there; shop and spend. Don’t forget your parent’s charge card though.

• Certainly, mailing presents to family and friends will be challenging. Send packages by December 10^th to be safe, and don’t write the mailing addresses in illegible block printing, especially if you’re sending anything to NBC. Don’t try to weasel out of shipping larger packages by purchasing gift certificates. Though gift certificates require very little work on your part, those envelopes they come in are germ-friendly. Besides, your significant other will appreciate opening a package from Adam & Eve.

• Once you’ve reunited with family and it’s time to think about eating, don’t be afraid to dine out. It’s no less safe to eat at McDonald’s now than it was last year before Chuck was fired for putting his own "special sauce" on select burgers. If you’re adamant about eating in, purchase plenty of Granny Smiths for traditional apple pie. I doubt the terrorists have managed to acquire a crop duster to spray the orchards yet, but even if they do, I’m confident the preservatives from pesticides will protect us. Do stay away from the salad bar at Sizzler’s though - you never know when a former Rajneeshi will get another wild hair.

• Now that the family is fed, it’s time to think about entertainment. You could stay at home playing card games and hide-and-go-seek with grandma’s dentures or you can go out for a night on the town. Movies are safe and fun. To keep the overall cost down, I recommend seeing discount matinees and bringing your own sundries. I’ve combined dinner and a movie by bringing my Hibachi and a liter of my favorite soda. If you go this route, don’t forget hot dogs, buns and cups for everyone.

I hope these tips will help you kick off the holiday season properly and win the mental war on terrorism. Don’t let bin Laden and his cronies ruin your family festivities - he’s half-a-world away. I would be more concerned about your mother-in-law.