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Coming Soon to A Coffee House Near You
When plain black coffee just isn’t enough
by David Volk

In the beginning, there was coffee. And it was good (if you were a coffee drinker).

Then there was caffeine to keep coffee drinkers awake. And it was VERY GOOD!

Soon coffee begat creams, sugars, saccharine, and iced coffees and they were fruitful and their descendants multiplied and spread across the land. And Juan Valdez said it was very, very good.

That, however, was before Starbucks, Frappuccinos, specialty coffees, non-fat half caf double tall skinny lattes and any one of a thousand Coffee Fests like the one that was held in Seattle late last month. It was also before any one of a thousand Coffee Fests like the one that was held in Seattle late last month. That’s when it became an abomination.

Now, don’t get me wrong,I’m not saying I’m a coffee purist, in fact, I don’t particularly like the stuff. I never have. It all goes back to the day when I took my first pull from a cup of coffee that my mother left on the dining room table. I found myself gagging so badly to get rid of the taste that my mother thought I was going to hock up a Buick.

Even though I was the associate editor of Coffee & Cuisine magazine, a trade publication covering coffee cafes, I never hid my dislike of the stuff. I always assumed my boss hired me because of my top-notch writing skills, my over-caffeinated attitude and my lack of passion for the product, which made me the most perfectly objective person to write about the concoction. Well, that and the fact that I was willing to work for cheap.

So, I have no special love of the product, I just know the industry. Granted, I had been out of the industry ever since the magazine I wrote for went the way of yesterday’s used filters, but I was still shocked to see how far away the coffee houses are getting from serving actual coffee. Sure, the decision to include biscotti, muffins, tea and even cold coffee drinks like Frappuccinos in the summer made sense, but some of the things I saw over a recent weekend were truly puzzling and deeply disturbing.

Here is a list of upcoming coffee attractions. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. COMING SOON TO A COFFEE HOUSE NEAR YOU:

JAVA TOTE: The coffee nerd’s answer to the pocket protector. Yes, I know it’s not a beverage, but it’s still amusing, and useful. It’s a Neoprene coffee cup holder on the end of a strap that you can hold in your hand, carry on your wrist or attach to a belt loop so that you can carry your coffee without worrying about spilling. Of course, you’ll look like a dork, but what’s worse, wearing a coffee pocket protector or wearing your coffee?

CHAI. Sure, chai isn’t new. Many coffee houses have been carrying chai hot and cold for quite some time now. But wait, there’s more. The new offerings include chai lattes, smoothies, shakes and whatever else owners can think of. Expect to see chai biscotti muffin smoothies some time in the near future.

YOGUCCINO. This frozen yogurt-based beverage comes in a variety of flavors and contains absolutely no coffee, making it the perfect drink for a coffee house.

SMOOTHIES. I always thought this was a health drink filled with fruit, power-boosting additives like wheat germ, and a little bit of yogurt. Now, it’s become a not-so-healthy treat with no fruit, lots of additives and a little bit of yogurt.

ICE CREAM. Yes, I know this isn’t a drink, but it makes me wonder. When I worked at Wendy’s years ago I learned that the restaurant chain takes the burger meat that’s been sitting on the grill a bit too long and cooks it into chili. I wonder if this is what Starbucks does with Frappuccinos that have been in the blender too long.

GELATO. Fruit flavored ices. I wonder if this is what Starbucks does with iced fruit drinks that have been in the blender too long. My favorite was made by an organization called The Nicewonger Company. I wonder if the owner has a nice… never mind.

And last, but not least:

BUBBLE TEA. This is the strangest beverage of them all. Think Slurpee with chewy marbles at the bottom of the cup. The milk tea based drink comes in a variety of consistencies including hot, cold, smoothy, Slurpee, milk shake in addition to a wide range of flavors such as banana, cantaloupe, honeydew, plum smoky and the ever-tasty taro.

No matter the flavor or the consistency, the drink always comes with chewy black pearl tapioca bubbles at the bottom of the cup with wide mouthed straw to suck up the bubbles. The straw’s width keeps it from plugging up and collapsing under pressure the way Starbucks straws do when you drink Brownie Frappuccinos. You have to remember not to suck too fast or you’ll end up with a chewy marble hitting the back of your throat at 100 miles per hour.

Of course, if none of this appeals to you, there’s always coffee.

Just so long as you don’t want instant, drip, brewed, percolated, store-bought, non-shade grown, unfairly traded, politically incorrect, caffeinated black coffee.