Traditionally speaking, bachelor parties are known as a last chance for the groom to reconsider before making the marital plunge. It's the end of single life, and the beginning of a new chapter, involving battles over toaster settings, hair in the drain and dirty dishes. Having recently gone through the memorable experience myself, I feel obligated to share what I've learned much as Mr. Miyagi shared The Crane move with the Karate Kid.

You see, I've been to my share of tasteless, raunchy and expensive bachelor parties in the past, and I didn't feel like repeating any of the same indiscretions at my party. Without going into too much detail, I'll sum up the lowlights of the last four or five parties I've attended: a school bus and keg of beer, stripper's underwear in the fish tank, digital cameras, whip cream and private showers.

Yet I've been to a few very good bachelor parties. These were the ones that involved travel to exotic locations (Reno), fun activities (white-water rafting and paintball) and solid entertainment (the bachelor dressed up as Superwoman at a local gay bar).

Lucky for me, my bachelor party was planned by two good friends that knew me well enough to know that I didn't want to do anything cheesy or gross. So we ended up at a strip bar. But first, we had a BBQ, then raced go-karts, followed by a few bars and a house party. I was altered enough to do silly things, but didn't get sick and didn't do anything to get me arrested, or put out on the couch by my wife-to-be.

Based on my experiences, I've created best practices for hosting the best darned bachelor party ever. By thoughtfully addressing each of these criteria in the planning process, you will guarantee a high fun factor and low risk-of-spending-the-next-week-on-the-couch factor once the bride-to-be finds out what went on.

Duration
Most vanilla bachelor parties involve dinner, drinks and some combination of strippers and bars. Boring. The best parties I've been to involve at least a half-day excursion, which is really all about male bonding, sharing and trying to warn the bachelor of impending doom. While a full weekend-long gala is a bit much for most planners, you'll wish you spent some quality time with your best friend before you lose him to the PTA and a "honey do" list.

Stimulation
Strippers are trouble for a variety of reasons, the biggest being cost. There are many other ways to pass the time that are more entertaining, affordable and safe. Try a few hours out on the water, up in the mountains, or do an extreme sport of some consequence: skydiving, bungee jumping or night golfing. These activities tend to offer more bonding time, laughs and footage you can actually share with others.

Location
Meeting at a restaurant or bar is not the best way to kick off an evening. You'll spend a ton of cash on non-stripper activities like eating and drinking. Try the more flexible, affordable and comfortable option of someone's house as a base camp for the day's activities. Order pizza, BBQ and mix your own drinks. Make sure to have an appropriate number of designated drivers (a.k.a. married guys).

Emasculation
Bachelorettes have more fun in public, as guys are putty in their hands. Guys don't have the luxury of strange women walking up and paying them a buck to suck a lifesaver off their t-shirt. Doesn't mean you can't humiliate the bachelor a bit by making him wear a ridiculous costume, or at least a bowling ball around the ankle. Trust me, it's an excellent conversation starter. Get everyone to bring an item for the costume or a gag gift to facilitate the process.

Consumption
As I mentioned earlier, kicking off the festivities at someone's house offers the opportunity to save a ton on food and drink, while enjoying the amenities of home. Remember: liquor before beer, never fear. It's a quick way to a good buzz before heading out. By switching to beer at the bars, you can minimize the chances of one or more people ending up driving the porcelain bus at the end of the evening, and save a few bucks in the process. Also remember the "drive responsibly" TV commercials.

Distraction
Perhaps the most controversial, yet most common, element in a bachelor party is women. Some of the best parties I've been to have minimized, if not eliminated, female companionship. If you are determined to incorporate the world's oldest profession into the evening, I highly recommend against hiring strippers for an at-home party. It's expensive in every way: fees, photo blackmail and awkward moments involving a toothbrush. Best bet is to engage women in conversation at bars (it's usually free) and usually much more entertaining. If you're going to the strip bars, don't let the bachelor out of there without a lap dance.

Now that you're armed with valuable tips and tricks on how to host a bachelor party, be sure to send me an invitation.