Top Ten Lest Constructive Ways to End a Relationship
- Fax a "dear john" letter to their office
- Ask if they would be open to a third person or farm animal into the relationship
- Encourage them to join you at a Quixtar meeting
- Create an elaborate treasure hunt that ends at your new partner's house
- Jot it down on a Post-It and leave it on the fridge
- Call them a fat, hairy bitch in a public place (regardless of gender)
- Say it in a fortune cookie message
- Express concern for their safety after your sexual encounter in Haiti last week
- Fake your own death (see Funeral list for details)
- Remove all traces of them from your life, change the locks on the doors if you're living together and pretend you've never seen them before
